Having had some vacation time recently I have been writing early in the morning before the family gets up. Thus I thought I would put an excerpt on the blog. The first part of the book is called, "God Loves Common Ground." Within that section I describe the "callings" of God to husbands and wives as presented in the New Testament. I have tried to come up with larger themes that I present broadly in the first part of the book and then narrow them down in the third part of the book where I talk about "Fighting for Common Ground." The two postures I talk about that I see evolving from the NT for wives are "awe-inspired cooperation" and "restful fearlessness." The section below is in the second part (restful fearlessness) where I talk about the need for wives to aim for fearlessness.
Marriage calls a wife to engage vulnerability. She is called to grow the faith to ask more or less of her husband depending on what will be best for the marriage. Restfulness helps her to ask less of her husband because she knows God is her ultimate defender. This invites her husband to look beyond her and see God. In addition to seeing God a husband must need God to go deeper with Him. Therefore, a wife needs to be free to point her husband towards more. Like all of us a husband will often only choose God’s ways when everything else he has tried fails. However, no one is quick to genuinely admit failures especially in the heightened atmosphere of marriage. In fact, we often distance ourselves from those who make our inadequacy clear. As such, a wife will detest the distance that comes from being a light in her husband’s life. She will naturally trip over the moments where she can illumine the darkness in her husband’s heart because she dislikes the distance it will create between them. To ask more of her husband calls a wife to faith and courage.
This is why Peter urges women act like Sarah’s (Abraham’s wife) daughter. He says, “You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do,” (1 Peter 3:6). If you are at all familiar with Abraham’s lack of character displayed in the Genesis narrative you will appreciate what Peter is saying to wives. In the long Genesis narrative Abraham responds to God well only two times. Initially, when he leaves Haran and many years later when walks up the mountain with Isaac. In between that span for over 20 years Abraham wrestles to believe and trust in God. Sarah lives in the wake of Abraham’s growing and stumbling faith. In his fear and cowardice he concocts a lie to tell foreign leaders that Sarah is his sister because he worries that the leaders will kill him because Sarah is so beautiful. First, Pharaoh takes Sarah as his wife until the Lord supernaturally intervenes. This is not enough to help Abraham change because later Abraham does the same thing with Abimelech. He too takes Sarah as his wife until the Lord intercedes. God says to Abimelich, “Yes, I know you are innocent. That’s why I kept you from sinning against me, and why I did not let you touch her. Now return the woman to her husband, and he will pray for you, for he is a prophet. Then you will live. But if you don’t return her to him, you can be sure that you and all your people will die.” Sarah is fortunate to have God as her protector.
The Old Testament does not detail the relationship between Abraham and Sarah other than to show that Abraham lies to protect himself and seems willing to sacrifice Sarah. The narrative does not help us ascertain how Sarah related to Abraham in response we only know that from Peter’s comment she must have continued to endure with Abraham and somehow displayed courage and faith in the process. Yet, if we consider what Peter went onto say in the rest of his epistle it provides an indication of Sarah’s behavior. Right after he counsels wives to act like Sarah he sums up his overall advice on submission and says, “To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. Who is there to harm you if you prove zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. AND DO NOT FEAR THEIR INTIMIDATION, AND DO NOT BE TROUBLED, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence. (1 Peter 3:8-17)
For Sarah to be affirmed several verses before his conclusion on submission I have to believe she embodied what Peter is espousing. Thus, when a wife grows in living righteously as a response to God and not an attempt to change, manipulate, or nudge her husband she becomes a megaphone that God is more necessary to the husband than he often wants Him to be. Sarah must have helped Abraham grow in his faith with God because when an offended party continues to walk in faith and not make their primary response discontentment over the wrongdoing they actually provide a deeper exposure of the sin. I want to suggest that the times where Sarah endured with character she helped facilitate moments that exposed Abraham’s unbelief.
It would be nice for wives if Godly responding meant a smoother relationship right away with their husbands. However, when a wife responds in faith, husbands will often become angrier in an attempt to shelter their sin. This is why Peter says, “But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. AND DO NOT FEAR THEIR INTIMIDATION, AND DO NOT BE TROUBLED, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence.” This is why femininity involves fearlessness.
When a wife doesn’t change her behavior to collude with her husband’s sin and instead exposes it by pursuing holiness she ups the ante and risks her husband’s anger or disapproval. The rest of scripture would affirm that humans don’t respond well to exposure of sin. Consider this Proverb, “He who rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with the tongue,” (28:23). Initially, the rebuke brings displeasure not acquiescence. Exposure of sin is painful and the person being exposed will often hide from the exposure or blame the person who did the exposing. It takes time for the exposed party to accept the reality of their sinfulness. It is waiting through the period of acceptance that calls a wife to fearlessness. Like the first husband God confronted, husbands all through history have been echoing the blame Adam put on Eve, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate,” (Genesis 3:12) .
Thus, when Peter wrote, “You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husband’s might do.” I hear Peter’s saying, “Do not let your husband’s misuse of his advantages and the time it takes him to really hear and trust what God promises to cause you to shrink down into fear and anxiety where you answer his sin with sin. When you respond well or grow in holiness it may make your husband angrier and he may even make you pay for the attention your life brings to his sin. It will take deep faith to respond well but it is the best way to help him cry out for God. At times you will help awaken your husband to things he needs to see and hear. Do not be afraid.” Eugene Peterson paraphrases the above mentioned verse as, “Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as ‘my dear husband.’ You’ll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unaxious and unintimidated.” It is all such a paradox. God gives selfish husbands an advantage and tells them to use it for their wives. He designs wives with a disadvantage and tells them to not be afraid of their husbands. It is as if he loves faith. Like without faith and dependence on him we could never experience Common Ground as a couple.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Vacation Reading
During vacation last week I read the book The Tender Bar by J.R. Moehringer. The book is a memoir of his life and the place a neighborhood bar played in 'raising' him into a man. He grew up fatherless and had three primary living situations: alone with his mother, with his mother, aunt, uncle and cousins at his grandparents’ home or at his grandparents’ home without his mother. His grandfather was not a good man so he ended up identifying with his uncle who worked at the bar. J.R. becomes attached to the men at the bar and the acceptance he found from them. He writes, “Everyone has a holy place, a refuge, where their heart is purer, their mind clearer, where they feel close to God or love or truth or whatever it is they happen to worship. For better or worse my holy place was Steve’s bar. And because I found it in my youth, the bar was that much more sacred, its image clouded by that special reverence children accord those places where they feel safe.” He is a skillful story teller and writes about his past with honesty, kindness and sorrow. As you might imagine alcohol, and the damaging impact it can have when it is the focus of a person’s life, is a large part of the story.
One of the things that struck me as I read was that he did not hurry to get to the redemptive part of his life. He actually leaves that, for the most part, unaddressed. As the narrative of his life unfolded I was struck with the sadness that surrounded him. He did not pretend about this and he describes the way he tried to cope with it. He didn’t hide or cover up the painful parts of his life or the way he falteringly tried to deal with the pain. He was also candid about the ‘salvation’ alcohol and the bar brought to him. Reading it made me realize how we do ourselves a disservice when we marginalize painful, even largely sinful, parts of our lives. Not that I think sin should be glorified but we don’t have to be afraid of it. We should be sober about it and certainly aim to avoid it, but when recounting episodes where it is or has been alive in our life (it is always alive to some degree), it can be helpful to slow down and unpack what was really going on. As we are not afraid of sin and can discuss it meaningfully it can aid in a growing freedom from sin. It can become clearer why we gravitate to it, how we use it to hide or blame, and how our life is not all black or white. In addition, we are being sanctified in the midst of sin. If he was to write off or marginalize his connection to the bar it would be impossible for him to see some of the grace that pursued and upheld him through the years his life revolved around the bar. The miracle of what he realizes and becomes seems more glorious as it emerges out of the background of the bar. We so often have to find the good, or prove that God is working or make our life a justification that God is real that we overstate or over appreciate the good and naively believe that things are better than they are. When we can be more honest and more courageous and talk about the good and the bad together the good often emerges as a surprise, as a gift, as something to be nourished and cherished and held onto for the nugget it is.
One of the things that struck me as I read was that he did not hurry to get to the redemptive part of his life. He actually leaves that, for the most part, unaddressed. As the narrative of his life unfolded I was struck with the sadness that surrounded him. He did not pretend about this and he describes the way he tried to cope with it. He didn’t hide or cover up the painful parts of his life or the way he falteringly tried to deal with the pain. He was also candid about the ‘salvation’ alcohol and the bar brought to him. Reading it made me realize how we do ourselves a disservice when we marginalize painful, even largely sinful, parts of our lives. Not that I think sin should be glorified but we don’t have to be afraid of it. We should be sober about it and certainly aim to avoid it, but when recounting episodes where it is or has been alive in our life (it is always alive to some degree), it can be helpful to slow down and unpack what was really going on. As we are not afraid of sin and can discuss it meaningfully it can aid in a growing freedom from sin. It can become clearer why we gravitate to it, how we use it to hide or blame, and how our life is not all black or white. In addition, we are being sanctified in the midst of sin. If he was to write off or marginalize his connection to the bar it would be impossible for him to see some of the grace that pursued and upheld him through the years his life revolved around the bar. The miracle of what he realizes and becomes seems more glorious as it emerges out of the background of the bar. We so often have to find the good, or prove that God is working or make our life a justification that God is real that we overstate or over appreciate the good and naively believe that things are better than they are. When we can be more honest and more courageous and talk about the good and the bad together the good often emerges as a surprise, as a gift, as something to be nourished and cherished and held onto for the nugget it is.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
One Year
Proverbs 10:7
A good and honest life is a blessed memorial. The Message
The memory of the righteous will be a blessing. New Living Translation
For Daymark and many people connected to Daymark today is a large day. Today marks the one year anniversary of Dewayne's death. In many ways it is a hard day - to realize we have moved through one whole year without Dewayne. Although my memories during the year have alternated between painful (I miss Dewayne and I miss who he was to his wife, parents, sister, friends and those he counseled) and warm (I remember his laughter, his kindness, his thoughtfulness) I am certaintly not at the point where I can declare only that which Proverbs 10:7 says. The memory of the righteous will be a blessing. Although that is the truth and who Dewayne was in righteousness was a glory to behold, it still hurts at times. At the wake as someone very close to Dewayne saw his body they began to sob and cry out about all the things Dewayne had left to say and do. It expressed the depth of my cries exactly. As I first got to know Dewayne years ago I was struck by his passion and heart and giftedness. Through the years as I watched him grow and then got to see him offer his gifts through Daymark it caused me to look toward the future with such hope about all he would do and say. At times the absence of his saying and doing and being has been sad. Some of that sadness has been a grace because it draws me to God and reminds me we are not home. Some is still just sad especially as I have talked and walked with those who Dewayne touched so deeply. I am genuinely more owned by the largeness and beauty of his soul and often as I remember him I smile. In his article on grief Dewayne wrote... The backwardness of the gospel finds itself at work in your sorrow and memory; it is through your grief healing is encountered. I think that has been true this past year and yet I know their is more healing to happen. Dewayne's greatest gift to me was that he helped me to trust and wait for that healing to unfold and appreciate it as it did. So I will keep aiming to rest in that as I journey on.
A good and honest life is a blessed memorial. The Message
The memory of the righteous will be a blessing. New Living Translation
For Daymark and many people connected to Daymark today is a large day. Today marks the one year anniversary of Dewayne's death. In many ways it is a hard day - to realize we have moved through one whole year without Dewayne. Although my memories during the year have alternated between painful (I miss Dewayne and I miss who he was to his wife, parents, sister, friends and those he counseled) and warm (I remember his laughter, his kindness, his thoughtfulness) I am certaintly not at the point where I can declare only that which Proverbs 10:7 says. The memory of the righteous will be a blessing. Although that is the truth and who Dewayne was in righteousness was a glory to behold, it still hurts at times. At the wake as someone very close to Dewayne saw his body they began to sob and cry out about all the things Dewayne had left to say and do. It expressed the depth of my cries exactly. As I first got to know Dewayne years ago I was struck by his passion and heart and giftedness. Through the years as I watched him grow and then got to see him offer his gifts through Daymark it caused me to look toward the future with such hope about all he would do and say. At times the absence of his saying and doing and being has been sad. Some of that sadness has been a grace because it draws me to God and reminds me we are not home. Some is still just sad especially as I have talked and walked with those who Dewayne touched so deeply. I am genuinely more owned by the largeness and beauty of his soul and often as I remember him I smile. In his article on grief Dewayne wrote... The backwardness of the gospel finds itself at work in your sorrow and memory; it is through your grief healing is encountered. I think that has been true this past year and yet I know their is more healing to happen. Dewayne's greatest gift to me was that he helped me to trust and wait for that healing to unfold and appreciate it as it did. So I will keep aiming to rest in that as I journey on.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Rejoicing in What is True
Given that I have not written anything in almost a month this is not turning out to be much of a blog. Perhaps this next month it will read a little more like a blog!
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Co 13:4-7
I've thougth a lot about the lack of love I see in myself, the church and the world the past month. Genuine love is so beautiful and so refreshing that it is a sad thing for it to often be in short supply. An ascpect of this that has hit me lately is that loves does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth... I've seen all over again that when I refrain from accepting what is true about me how unloving I can be. A couple of weeks ago a situation arose between Dawn and I that really frustrated me. I was hurt and wanted to let her know it. I went to talk to her with the intent of helping her recognize her failure of me. Several sentences into the conversation I found myself doing the opposite (I think Jesus did it for me because it certaintly wasn't my plan) and I began to name some meaningful ways I had hurt Dawn. I also began to describe what I thought the impact of my relating had been on Dawn. She wept. And said she felt less crazy. Do you know I can't count the amount of times I have genuinely apologized to Dawn in 19 years. Oh somewhere around 10 years ago I got I hunch I was going to have to keep aplogizing but I didn't actually know that meant forever. When the Holy Spirit has enabled me to do it well it usually brings some quite beauty into my life. The last couple of weeks with Dawn have been tender, and quiet and beautiful. I like that.
Sin blinds us and makes us noisy. Judging the log in our own eye helps us to see more clearly. When we stop celebrating the way evil is getting us to raise our own banner by being impatient, unkind, envious, boastful, proad, rude, self-serving, angry, keeping a record of wrongs and we actually agree with and rejoice in - name with vigor, passion and courage - the truth about how we unlovingly sin against those we love, it seems life is quieter, more tender and airy. I think perhaps my absence from the blogging world (in addition to being too busy) was due to paying attention to the log in my own eye. It takes a lot of attention and energy. I am glad I was able to do that becasue the subsequent quieteness has been glorious.
I think the church would look more beautiful if we started letting judgement begin with the household of God (1 peter 4:17). I also thing we would be more powerful as well.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Co 13:4-7
I've thougth a lot about the lack of love I see in myself, the church and the world the past month. Genuine love is so beautiful and so refreshing that it is a sad thing for it to often be in short supply. An ascpect of this that has hit me lately is that loves does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth... I've seen all over again that when I refrain from accepting what is true about me how unloving I can be. A couple of weeks ago a situation arose between Dawn and I that really frustrated me. I was hurt and wanted to let her know it. I went to talk to her with the intent of helping her recognize her failure of me. Several sentences into the conversation I found myself doing the opposite (I think Jesus did it for me because it certaintly wasn't my plan) and I began to name some meaningful ways I had hurt Dawn. I also began to describe what I thought the impact of my relating had been on Dawn. She wept. And said she felt less crazy. Do you know I can't count the amount of times I have genuinely apologized to Dawn in 19 years. Oh somewhere around 10 years ago I got I hunch I was going to have to keep aplogizing but I didn't actually know that meant forever. When the Holy Spirit has enabled me to do it well it usually brings some quite beauty into my life. The last couple of weeks with Dawn have been tender, and quiet and beautiful. I like that.
Sin blinds us and makes us noisy. Judging the log in our own eye helps us to see more clearly. When we stop celebrating the way evil is getting us to raise our own banner by being impatient, unkind, envious, boastful, proad, rude, self-serving, angry, keeping a record of wrongs and we actually agree with and rejoice in - name with vigor, passion and courage - the truth about how we unlovingly sin against those we love, it seems life is quieter, more tender and airy. I think perhaps my absence from the blogging world (in addition to being too busy) was due to paying attention to the log in my own eye. It takes a lot of attention and energy. I am glad I was able to do that becasue the subsequent quieteness has been glorious.
I think the church would look more beautiful if we started letting judgement begin with the household of God (1 peter 4:17). I also thing we would be more powerful as well.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Doing Justice and Loving Mercy
The following excerpt is part of a book I am trying to write. There is a section where I describe why evil hates marriage. I describe five different reasons why evil specifically makes marriage a target. One reason is that evil hates gender and marriage is a place where a man and a woman are invited to take on the 'inside shapes' of their gender that I am calling justice (masculine) and mercy (feminine).
In addition to attacking the curse, evil hates gender. When it says, “He created them male and female, and he blessed them and called them ‘human.’” (Genesis 5:2) and looked over everything he had made and declared that it was, “excellent in every way” (Gen 1:31) can you imagine how the enemy felt about that? A man and a woman, when living as freely and as holy as God called them to, are a unique picture of God’s glory and he revels in this. It is clear that the simplest fruits of the Gospel are justice and mercy. God wants us to love and pay attention to mercy and justice (Micah 6:8, Matthew 23:23). In a unique way a husband can embody justice and a wife can embody mercy. A husband who uses his advantages to care for his wife is doing justice. He is refraining from evil. A wife who endures with forgiveness towards her husband is being a glorified picture of the Gospel. She is loving mercy. If God loves mercy and justice and a husband and wife can be unique expressions of mercy and justice than he attacks marriage to diminish this.
Evil therefore wants to destroy any redemptive expression of gender. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman articulate it well, “Let me remind you that we are made in the image of God as male and female. Somehow gender reflects something about God. A man reflects something about God’s character that is different from a woman and vice versa. And God’s enemy, Satan, wishes to destroy glory. The evil one cannot destroy God; therefore he tries to destroy the reflection of God: man and woman. His prime way of attempting to destroy glory is to make it too frightening to be truly a man or a woman and to offer counterfeit routes to live out gender.
Evil harasses us in hope that we will turn away from what a redemptive man or a woman looks like. Take for instance the caricatures of husbands and wives in popular culture. A recent popular sitcom was, “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Both Ray and his father were passive. They were clearly afraid of their wives. Deborah and her mother-in-law were controlling. The sitcom portrayed the opposite of a husband who sacrificially and courageously cared for his wife. Ray’s lifelessness over the things that really mattered for his marriage and family was unjust. He never stood up to his mother on Deborah’s behalf. He did not ‘do justice.’ Deborah related to Ray with a subtle contempt that was nowhere near ‘awe-inspired open heartedness.’ Ray, Deborah and Ray’s parents portrayed exactly what evil wants us to aim for: weak, uncaring men and controlling, vacuous women. It was a successful sitcom because it reflected the common experience of couples and families.
I will often say, “I had no idea I wasn't a man until I moved in with a woman.” After my wedding I had all the freedom in the world to be naked with my wife. Physical nakedness in many ways was nothing compared to personal nakedness. To be naked as a husband – to be seen for all I wasn't – ended up being more difficult than I expected. I couldn't see I didn't really care about others until day after day I was confronted with my indifference to Dawn’s needs.
For years I was regularly ‘caring’ for Dawn in such a way that said, “My effort should quiet you. You shouldn't struggle with so much because it will make me look or feel bad. I don’t want to really learn how to care and be patient. I am used to quick fixes.” I was unjustly pressuring her to demonstrate that I was a good man by not having any more needs as a woman. In the flesh men love to ‘fix’ things quickly and move on. A redeemed man is growing into the masculine qualities we see in the Lord who is “tender and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love,” (Psalm 103:8,13). I didn't know how arrogant a man I was until I couldn't run from it any longer. I didn't realize the call to keep treating my wife with understanding was constructed with a continuing action verb. Marriage was designed to help me learn to do justice as a way of life. I wanted to get justice down and move on to wealth, riches and peace. Along the way I realized marriage was opening me up to care about and give myself to others as a way of life, not a causal offering to quiet my wife. Because I couldn't run away from it or get it down quickly I began to care enough in such a way that our relationship became more just. Marriage helped to restore me as a man.
In a corresponding way a wife is given a grand opportunity to ‘love mercy’ by living with a man. Only in the face of ongoing injustice can mercy really take shape. The Biblical meaning of “mercy” is to spare a person of the judgment or harm they deserve and instead return kindness for injury. Mercy is overcoming evil with good. As I have already noted a husband will use his advantages selfishly long before he sees it happening and will continue on doing so to some degree even after he has recognized the need to be different. This leaves a wife with a choice. She can count her husband’s sins against him or she can forgive him. Only as a wife keeps remembering the Lord has forgiven her of far more sin than she can count will she be willing to forgive her husband and stagger into mercy. Just like a husband the wife’s call is an ongoing call. She is to respect her husband or to keep supporting his efforts to bring them together. Real mercy that is both warm and true (not forced or fake), can only be fostered in the soil of endurance. A wife has to keep bumping up to injustice and thus any husband will provide her with regular opportunities to practice and get better. Marriage affords a woman the opportunity to be dressed in Biblical femininity. She can learn to jealously fight for holiness by embracing her husband with warmth in the midst of his failures; standing between him and the accusations of evil that will shame him for whatever ways he does not measure up to perfection.
Marriage is a space specifically designed to help a man and woman take on their inside shapes. I had little comprehension of the way a man can unjustly relate to a woman until I related to my wife over time. Evil wants husbands to unjustly turn away from their wives and not care while he wants women to harbor resentment and hold the law up to their husbands. Thus, through ongoing endurance and submission to God a husband can learn to care enough to do justice and a woman can learn how kindness is what really propels human beings into holiness. Marriage is a unique place to ‘do justice and love mercy’ and for a husband to become a restored man and a woman to become a restored woman.
In addition to attacking the curse, evil hates gender. When it says, “He created them male and female, and he blessed them and called them ‘human.’” (Genesis 5:2) and looked over everything he had made and declared that it was, “excellent in every way” (Gen 1:31) can you imagine how the enemy felt about that? A man and a woman, when living as freely and as holy as God called them to, are a unique picture of God’s glory and he revels in this. It is clear that the simplest fruits of the Gospel are justice and mercy. God wants us to love and pay attention to mercy and justice (Micah 6:8, Matthew 23:23). In a unique way a husband can embody justice and a wife can embody mercy. A husband who uses his advantages to care for his wife is doing justice. He is refraining from evil. A wife who endures with forgiveness towards her husband is being a glorified picture of the Gospel. She is loving mercy. If God loves mercy and justice and a husband and wife can be unique expressions of mercy and justice than he attacks marriage to diminish this.
Evil therefore wants to destroy any redemptive expression of gender. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman articulate it well, “Let me remind you that we are made in the image of God as male and female. Somehow gender reflects something about God. A man reflects something about God’s character that is different from a woman and vice versa. And God’s enemy, Satan, wishes to destroy glory. The evil one cannot destroy God; therefore he tries to destroy the reflection of God: man and woman. His prime way of attempting to destroy glory is to make it too frightening to be truly a man or a woman and to offer counterfeit routes to live out gender.
Evil harasses us in hope that we will turn away from what a redemptive man or a woman looks like. Take for instance the caricatures of husbands and wives in popular culture. A recent popular sitcom was, “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Both Ray and his father were passive. They were clearly afraid of their wives. Deborah and her mother-in-law were controlling. The sitcom portrayed the opposite of a husband who sacrificially and courageously cared for his wife. Ray’s lifelessness over the things that really mattered for his marriage and family was unjust. He never stood up to his mother on Deborah’s behalf. He did not ‘do justice.’ Deborah related to Ray with a subtle contempt that was nowhere near ‘awe-inspired open heartedness.’ Ray, Deborah and Ray’s parents portrayed exactly what evil wants us to aim for: weak, uncaring men and controlling, vacuous women. It was a successful sitcom because it reflected the common experience of couples and families.
I will often say, “I had no idea I wasn't a man until I moved in with a woman.” After my wedding I had all the freedom in the world to be naked with my wife. Physical nakedness in many ways was nothing compared to personal nakedness. To be naked as a husband – to be seen for all I wasn't – ended up being more difficult than I expected. I couldn't see I didn't really care about others until day after day I was confronted with my indifference to Dawn’s needs.
For years I was regularly ‘caring’ for Dawn in such a way that said, “My effort should quiet you. You shouldn't struggle with so much because it will make me look or feel bad. I don’t want to really learn how to care and be patient. I am used to quick fixes.” I was unjustly pressuring her to demonstrate that I was a good man by not having any more needs as a woman. In the flesh men love to ‘fix’ things quickly and move on. A redeemed man is growing into the masculine qualities we see in the Lord who is “tender and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love,” (Psalm 103:8,13). I didn't know how arrogant a man I was until I couldn't run from it any longer. I didn't realize the call to keep treating my wife with understanding was constructed with a continuing action verb. Marriage was designed to help me learn to do justice as a way of life. I wanted to get justice down and move on to wealth, riches and peace. Along the way I realized marriage was opening me up to care about and give myself to others as a way of life, not a causal offering to quiet my wife. Because I couldn't run away from it or get it down quickly I began to care enough in such a way that our relationship became more just. Marriage helped to restore me as a man.
In a corresponding way a wife is given a grand opportunity to ‘love mercy’ by living with a man. Only in the face of ongoing injustice can mercy really take shape. The Biblical meaning of “mercy” is to spare a person of the judgment or harm they deserve and instead return kindness for injury. Mercy is overcoming evil with good. As I have already noted a husband will use his advantages selfishly long before he sees it happening and will continue on doing so to some degree even after he has recognized the need to be different. This leaves a wife with a choice. She can count her husband’s sins against him or she can forgive him. Only as a wife keeps remembering the Lord has forgiven her of far more sin than she can count will she be willing to forgive her husband and stagger into mercy. Just like a husband the wife’s call is an ongoing call. She is to respect her husband or to keep supporting his efforts to bring them together. Real mercy that is both warm and true (not forced or fake), can only be fostered in the soil of endurance. A wife has to keep bumping up to injustice and thus any husband will provide her with regular opportunities to practice and get better. Marriage affords a woman the opportunity to be dressed in Biblical femininity. She can learn to jealously fight for holiness by embracing her husband with warmth in the midst of his failures; standing between him and the accusations of evil that will shame him for whatever ways he does not measure up to perfection.
Marriage is a space specifically designed to help a man and woman take on their inside shapes. I had little comprehension of the way a man can unjustly relate to a woman until I related to my wife over time. Evil wants husbands to unjustly turn away from their wives and not care while he wants women to harbor resentment and hold the law up to their husbands. Thus, through ongoing endurance and submission to God a husband can learn to care enough to do justice and a woman can learn how kindness is what really propels human beings into holiness. Marriage is a unique place to ‘do justice and love mercy’ and for a husband to become a restored man and a woman to become a restored woman.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Self-reliance
I have been reading the book Not 'Just Friends' by Shirley Glass about infidelity in marriage. She says, This is what I call the Prevention Myth, which states that a loving partner and a good marriage will prevent affairs. This misconception is not supported by any good research, even though it is commonly cited as fact on television shows and in popular books about how to affair-proof your marriage. Any advice based on this bad assumption and simplification of a complex issue is misleading. The fact is, sometimes as affair can be understood by exploring deficiencies in the marriage, but often it cannot. How hard is that for you to believe? It is hard for me to believe. I don't want to accept that their are people who are in good marriages that begin to succumb to temptation and are carried away. It is even harder to comprehend that they are carried away to such hardness that they become blinded to what is good in their marriage and trample on it through an affair. In some ways, that makes us all vulnerable to sin in a way we want to deny. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings (1 Peter 5:8-9). We are capable of being pulled away from good and even if we have not had an affair their are times we have chosen the foolishness of sin over a larger good - it is just so painful to see this theme played out in something as large as an affair. It is scary to believe that people can go against something as meaningful as a marital covenant and choose a different path with no good reason for their choice. It is frightening to not be able to explain sin. How do we explain Adam and Eve's sin? It wasn't their parent's fault. Powerless and helplessness are very Biblical postures but we don't accept them without a fight. Self-reliance causes us to incessantly and compulsively seek answers to pain and mystery we cannot solve. It is so much harder to anguish, hurt, sorrow, or lament and not explain it away by putting small answers on top of large questions that really don't fit together. There has been a lot of extra noise in my life just because I wanted to explain things I feared instead of letting things I feared work on me in such a way that I was driven to a trust and embrace larger than the mystery and the pain.
The other book I am reading is False Intimacy by Harry Schaumburg. He says, sex addicts create patterns of behavior that allow them to maintain pleasurable states of being rather than admitting that they can't cope with their problems and turning to God and others for help. In short, they arrogantly believe they can solve their problems on their own, that they can nurture themselves, and that fulfillment in life can be self-created. In their hearts, they don't believe that other people, or even God, are interested in responding to the real void within them. Full of self-contempt and rage at the prospect of never having their needs filled by others, sex addicts rely on behaviors that don't require another person's deep involvement. To some real degree he is explaining idolatry. Not only do we feed self-reliance by trying to explain mystery and sin or marginalize people who sin in ways we are afraid of, we also feed self-reliance by not waiting for God and not being open to help from him and others. I cannot even begin to count all the foolish things I have done because I am not willing to wait on God to meet my needs. As I think about it I also can't begin to count all the money I have spent to comfort myself in ways that actually added to the pain instead of diminishing it. My excess food bill alone would be a painful site if I could calculate it. That is one of the reasons I believe things like lamenting and sorrowing are important postures. They are ways to live that help us to wait for God to meet us. So, self-reliance is one of the postures that has made me noisy. Although I still retain much more self-reliance than I can see, I am grateful for changes. Confronting my self-reliance has been a treasure and I see the growth in my trust and rest in God most clearly in my parenting. I am grateful my fathering has not been so deafening. Too loud for sure but not nearly as loud as it could be. For that I am deeply grateful. So, as i think about 'piping down' I pray for more trust and rest in the God I often can't see and more blindness to the lesser gods that haunt me day and night.
The other book I am reading is False Intimacy by Harry Schaumburg. He says, sex addicts create patterns of behavior that allow them to maintain pleasurable states of being rather than admitting that they can't cope with their problems and turning to God and others for help. In short, they arrogantly believe they can solve their problems on their own, that they can nurture themselves, and that fulfillment in life can be self-created. In their hearts, they don't believe that other people, or even God, are interested in responding to the real void within them. Full of self-contempt and rage at the prospect of never having their needs filled by others, sex addicts rely on behaviors that don't require another person's deep involvement. To some real degree he is explaining idolatry. Not only do we feed self-reliance by trying to explain mystery and sin or marginalize people who sin in ways we are afraid of, we also feed self-reliance by not waiting for God and not being open to help from him and others. I cannot even begin to count all the foolish things I have done because I am not willing to wait on God to meet my needs. As I think about it I also can't begin to count all the money I have spent to comfort myself in ways that actually added to the pain instead of diminishing it. My excess food bill alone would be a painful site if I could calculate it. That is one of the reasons I believe things like lamenting and sorrowing are important postures. They are ways to live that help us to wait for God to meet us. So, self-reliance is one of the postures that has made me noisy. Although I still retain much more self-reliance than I can see, I am grateful for changes. Confronting my self-reliance has been a treasure and I see the growth in my trust and rest in God most clearly in my parenting. I am grateful my fathering has not been so deafening. Too loud for sure but not nearly as loud as it could be. For that I am deeply grateful. So, as i think about 'piping down' I pray for more trust and rest in the God I often can't see and more blindness to the lesser gods that haunt me day and night.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Arrogant Accusations
Below you will find a short excerpt from the book I am trying to write on marraige. If it gets published it will be called Common Ground: Disarming Evil on the way to a Marraige of Kindness and Rest. In the book I try to articulate how God calls couples to 'common ground', how evil tries to sabotage common ground and how husband and wives can fight evil to grow common ground. The short (its actually long for a blog) excerpt is from the section where I describe one of the weapons evil throws at husbands and wives to attack common ground.
Arrogant Accusations
The world, the flesh and the devil work together to spawn and nurture deceptive strongholds that spread the work of evil. The two types of strongholds will we examine are arrogant accusations and fleshly grooves. An arrogant accusation is a deceptive notion that grows a wicked energy force full of shame and condemnation that bully people away from God and his truth. This type of stronghold is haughty and accusatory because it is specifically designed to lift evil’s falsehood above God’s wisdom while mocking God’s ways at the same time.
In regards to the way evil attacks marriage he uses arrogant accusations to push the believer away from a biblical view of marriage or the callings of the husband and wife I discussed earlier. For instance, one arrogant accusation might be, “Two people who love each other will not struggle that much.” Thus, if you have any type of regular or ongoing struggle in your marriage you feel a sense of shame and condemnation that you are doing something wrong. At times this can be true (there is a little bit of truth in every accusation the evil one makes) but often time’s ongoing struggle is part of a good marriage. Another arrogant accusation would be, “husbands are only kind to their wives when they want sex.” I have seen this accusation cause many wives to feel ashamed at responding to good kindness from their husband when he wasn’t doing it for sex. I have also worked with men who were genuinely striving to be kinder to their wives and were ashamed if they began to hope that the kindness might lead into sex. Evil was accusing them of being like other men, “Who are only nice to their wives to get sex,” when that wasn’t the case.
Evil plants lies in the world that cleverly twist God’s truth into deception and he entices humans to agree with his deception. As people agree with the misleading notion and act on it they participate in adding strength to the evil force. The force becomes like a hurricane that breeds destruction wherever it lands. These accusations will browbeat husbands and wives and mock their call to follow God and grow redemptive love.
Paul refers to these types of evil assertions when he says, “We are human, but we don’t wage war with human plans and methods. We use God’s mighty weapons, to knock down the Devil’s strongholds. With these weapons we break down every proud argument that keeps people from knowing God.” (1 Corinthians 10: 3-5). In referring to Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians Clinton Arnold says, “Some of the Corinthians had been duped into believing dangerous and erroneous ideas about Jesus and his gospel. It is against these arguments and ideas that have settled into the minds of some of the Corinthians as “strongholds” that Paul utilizes divine weapons to demolish. His objective is to purify their understanding of Christ. Satan not only struck at the identity of Jesus, but also at understandings of the efficacy of his work and the nature of his relationship with his people. In other words, the devil attempts to convince people that what Jesus did was not enough, nor is he present or powerful enough to help us.”
I want you to recognize with a little more depth how these arrogant accusations impact married couples. Consider the assertion that wives are ‘high maintenance and need to be catered to.’ Evil casts this lie so that men resist the call to use their advantages to sacrifice for their wife. If a wife is ‘high maintenance’ a husband can feel justified in being uninvolved until his wife becomes ‘low maintenance.’ Many wives acquiesce to the accusation of being high maintenance by going overboard in trying to please their husband even if he is being selfish.
This indictment is often easy to dissect in a group of husbands that talk about their wives. Such husbands will mention with subtle contempt how their wives impossibly require so much from them. They’ll talk about how their wives don’t stick to the budget, how they complain too much or how they don’t enjoy sex enough. In the same conversation these men won’t mention that they often buy large dollar items that totally blow the budget or they won’t spend time helping each other consider ways to make their marriages more sexually inviting and refreshing for their wives.
Let’s suggest a group of Christian men are entertaining this accusation and one man in the group is battling with alternating thoughts inside of him. The spirit keeps reminding him of the dignity in every wife and some of the ways his wife has cared and sacrificed for him. He wants to suggest to the group that wives are a mixture of selfishness and unselfishness and that it’s not helpful to spend all their energy focused on how much their wives require of them. Evil enjoys mocking these thoughts in this man’s mind and he uses the ‘life’ in the group to mock him. The group banters back and forth with many examples of how their wives can be self-absorbed. Many of the examples are true but it is the way they are talked about by the husbands that attaches them to evil. In the presence of a group that is celebrating an arrogant accusation the husband with alternating thoughts begins to feel foolish for wanting to fight for what is good in wives. Evil is shaming him back into submission.
In addition to pressure from the outside he feels shame inside. He remembers how often he has jokingly said to his wife, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Sometimes, he has felt like his wife is high maintenance and has even indicated that to her. He has participated with the accusation in his own marriage and he feels shame in the moment for having done that. This too pulls him away from confronting the accusation. The evil one says to him, “How dare you expose these men to what they are doing when you have done the very same thing. You are no better than these men. Shut up and go back to enjoying the little crumbs you feed on. You are not man enough to fight for more.” He actually was going to confront his own sin by bringing it up but the shaming denunciation from evil shuts him down.
The small inkling he feels inside to confront the arrogant accusation that all wives are high maintenance to be a problem to their husbands and to suggest that the mood of the conversation doesn’t seem honoring to wives pales in comparison to the history and life of the accusation he is confronting. He ignores the slight prick in his heart and adds to the ‘life’ in the conversation by throwing in an example about his wife.
Can you recognize how this accusation strikes at the work and ministry of Jesus or “at the efficacy of his work and the nature of his relationship with his people?” Jesus died to restore wives and women to the dignity they were created with. Much of the trouble wives live with can grow out of the injustice they experience in their marriage. Wives must wrestle with selfishness just like husbands and they need help doing it especially from men. Instead of walking hand in hand with evil these men could be talking honestly about the way their wives can be selfish and how Jesus can help them embody the Gospel in grace and truth to help free their wives from bondage. They could also talk about the ways in which they have sinned in words and deeds to diminish the dignity of their wives. If they moved away from celebrating the arrogant accusation and talked candidly about some hard truths, Jesus’ forgiveness and ministry of reconciliation would become more meaningful to them in that moment.
Because Satan is prince of this world and arrogant accusations have such life in them when husbands and wives get together and talk about marriage the topics of conversation will often flow along lines that affirm arrogant accusations and undermine the calling of God as husband and wife. In typically male dominated cultures (for example: sports, construction, the military) you will find women marginalized or degraded by the way they are talked about. Often, in these settings women will be talked about like sexual objects that have nothing meaningful to give to men other than their bodies (they are celebrating the accusation that men just want women for sex). In another way it is common for a group of men to talk about their pressures at work in such a way that they feel justified or compelled to over extend themselves in their job. Because Satan is prince of this world there are many arrogant accusations that mock the call for husbands to grow tenderness, compassion, strength or endurance to care for their wives as a way of life. In the majority of groups a husband is a part of the cultural atmosphere will push him away from what God calls him to as a husband.
In addition, you often won’t find a group of wives talking in such a way that they are honoring the call of God in their lives. Where do you find groups of women that talk honestly about how controlling or condescending they can be towards their husbands? On the other hand, how many groups of women are talking about the anquish they feel for not being able to recognize and support the good going inside their husbands? A good topic for a prayer group of wives would be, “Asking God to help us learn to endure ongoing relational pain while celebrating little changes in our husbands that are reflective of God’s work in their life.” I can’t image an explosion of these types of groups in our churches. Such a group of humble wives could help each other recognize good in their husbands and pray together that God would protect and nurture that growth.
On the other hand, how often do you hear women sharing tidbits on fashion, work out routines, or diets? I already mentioned the way they way evil uses this area and he casts arrogant accusations at wives that they must look a certain way for their husbands to really pursue them. A ‘beautiful woman’ in our culture is physically emaciated and personally empty. I can’t imagine how stressed and unhealthy the eating habits are of any wife who is trying to live up to the popular image of physical beauty held up in our culture. The physical beauty portrayed in popular culture is supported by huge amounts of energy and money. True beauty is inner and any woman who wants to grow it must direct her energy and resources to walk with God and wrestle with evil as she grows inside beauty and rest. When women try to make outward beauty the way to life they are side-stepping the faith and endurance needed to walk with God. As we celebrate and support the images of beauty paraded around in popular culture we are helping energize a system that wears women down and opposes the purposes of God. A wife who can name, celebrate and fight for the work of Jesus in her husband will be far more attractive than one who is owned by the way she looks. There are so many arrogant accusations that are celebrated and affirmed that undermine God’s purposes that every husband and wife is encountering a major conflict just to hear and respond to their callings from God.
Arrogant Accusations
The world, the flesh and the devil work together to spawn and nurture deceptive strongholds that spread the work of evil. The two types of strongholds will we examine are arrogant accusations and fleshly grooves. An arrogant accusation is a deceptive notion that grows a wicked energy force full of shame and condemnation that bully people away from God and his truth. This type of stronghold is haughty and accusatory because it is specifically designed to lift evil’s falsehood above God’s wisdom while mocking God’s ways at the same time.
In regards to the way evil attacks marriage he uses arrogant accusations to push the believer away from a biblical view of marriage or the callings of the husband and wife I discussed earlier. For instance, one arrogant accusation might be, “Two people who love each other will not struggle that much.” Thus, if you have any type of regular or ongoing struggle in your marriage you feel a sense of shame and condemnation that you are doing something wrong. At times this can be true (there is a little bit of truth in every accusation the evil one makes) but often time’s ongoing struggle is part of a good marriage. Another arrogant accusation would be, “husbands are only kind to their wives when they want sex.” I have seen this accusation cause many wives to feel ashamed at responding to good kindness from their husband when he wasn’t doing it for sex. I have also worked with men who were genuinely striving to be kinder to their wives and were ashamed if they began to hope that the kindness might lead into sex. Evil was accusing them of being like other men, “Who are only nice to their wives to get sex,” when that wasn’t the case.
Evil plants lies in the world that cleverly twist God’s truth into deception and he entices humans to agree with his deception. As people agree with the misleading notion and act on it they participate in adding strength to the evil force. The force becomes like a hurricane that breeds destruction wherever it lands. These accusations will browbeat husbands and wives and mock their call to follow God and grow redemptive love.
Paul refers to these types of evil assertions when he says, “We are human, but we don’t wage war with human plans and methods. We use God’s mighty weapons, to knock down the Devil’s strongholds. With these weapons we break down every proud argument that keeps people from knowing God.” (1 Corinthians 10: 3-5). In referring to Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians Clinton Arnold says, “Some of the Corinthians had been duped into believing dangerous and erroneous ideas about Jesus and his gospel. It is against these arguments and ideas that have settled into the minds of some of the Corinthians as “strongholds” that Paul utilizes divine weapons to demolish. His objective is to purify their understanding of Christ. Satan not only struck at the identity of Jesus, but also at understandings of the efficacy of his work and the nature of his relationship with his people. In other words, the devil attempts to convince people that what Jesus did was not enough, nor is he present or powerful enough to help us.”
I want you to recognize with a little more depth how these arrogant accusations impact married couples. Consider the assertion that wives are ‘high maintenance and need to be catered to.’ Evil casts this lie so that men resist the call to use their advantages to sacrifice for their wife. If a wife is ‘high maintenance’ a husband can feel justified in being uninvolved until his wife becomes ‘low maintenance.’ Many wives acquiesce to the accusation of being high maintenance by going overboard in trying to please their husband even if he is being selfish.
This indictment is often easy to dissect in a group of husbands that talk about their wives. Such husbands will mention with subtle contempt how their wives impossibly require so much from them. They’ll talk about how their wives don’t stick to the budget, how they complain too much or how they don’t enjoy sex enough. In the same conversation these men won’t mention that they often buy large dollar items that totally blow the budget or they won’t spend time helping each other consider ways to make their marriages more sexually inviting and refreshing for their wives.
Let’s suggest a group of Christian men are entertaining this accusation and one man in the group is battling with alternating thoughts inside of him. The spirit keeps reminding him of the dignity in every wife and some of the ways his wife has cared and sacrificed for him. He wants to suggest to the group that wives are a mixture of selfishness and unselfishness and that it’s not helpful to spend all their energy focused on how much their wives require of them. Evil enjoys mocking these thoughts in this man’s mind and he uses the ‘life’ in the group to mock him. The group banters back and forth with many examples of how their wives can be self-absorbed. Many of the examples are true but it is the way they are talked about by the husbands that attaches them to evil. In the presence of a group that is celebrating an arrogant accusation the husband with alternating thoughts begins to feel foolish for wanting to fight for what is good in wives. Evil is shaming him back into submission.
In addition to pressure from the outside he feels shame inside. He remembers how often he has jokingly said to his wife, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Sometimes, he has felt like his wife is high maintenance and has even indicated that to her. He has participated with the accusation in his own marriage and he feels shame in the moment for having done that. This too pulls him away from confronting the accusation. The evil one says to him, “How dare you expose these men to what they are doing when you have done the very same thing. You are no better than these men. Shut up and go back to enjoying the little crumbs you feed on. You are not man enough to fight for more.” He actually was going to confront his own sin by bringing it up but the shaming denunciation from evil shuts him down.
The small inkling he feels inside to confront the arrogant accusation that all wives are high maintenance to be a problem to their husbands and to suggest that the mood of the conversation doesn’t seem honoring to wives pales in comparison to the history and life of the accusation he is confronting. He ignores the slight prick in his heart and adds to the ‘life’ in the conversation by throwing in an example about his wife.
Can you recognize how this accusation strikes at the work and ministry of Jesus or “at the efficacy of his work and the nature of his relationship with his people?” Jesus died to restore wives and women to the dignity they were created with. Much of the trouble wives live with can grow out of the injustice they experience in their marriage. Wives must wrestle with selfishness just like husbands and they need help doing it especially from men. Instead of walking hand in hand with evil these men could be talking honestly about the way their wives can be selfish and how Jesus can help them embody the Gospel in grace and truth to help free their wives from bondage. They could also talk about the ways in which they have sinned in words and deeds to diminish the dignity of their wives. If they moved away from celebrating the arrogant accusation and talked candidly about some hard truths, Jesus’ forgiveness and ministry of reconciliation would become more meaningful to them in that moment.
Because Satan is prince of this world and arrogant accusations have such life in them when husbands and wives get together and talk about marriage the topics of conversation will often flow along lines that affirm arrogant accusations and undermine the calling of God as husband and wife. In typically male dominated cultures (for example: sports, construction, the military) you will find women marginalized or degraded by the way they are talked about. Often, in these settings women will be talked about like sexual objects that have nothing meaningful to give to men other than their bodies (they are celebrating the accusation that men just want women for sex). In another way it is common for a group of men to talk about their pressures at work in such a way that they feel justified or compelled to over extend themselves in their job. Because Satan is prince of this world there are many arrogant accusations that mock the call for husbands to grow tenderness, compassion, strength or endurance to care for their wives as a way of life. In the majority of groups a husband is a part of the cultural atmosphere will push him away from what God calls him to as a husband.
In addition, you often won’t find a group of wives talking in such a way that they are honoring the call of God in their lives. Where do you find groups of women that talk honestly about how controlling or condescending they can be towards their husbands? On the other hand, how many groups of women are talking about the anquish they feel for not being able to recognize and support the good going inside their husbands? A good topic for a prayer group of wives would be, “Asking God to help us learn to endure ongoing relational pain while celebrating little changes in our husbands that are reflective of God’s work in their life.” I can’t image an explosion of these types of groups in our churches. Such a group of humble wives could help each other recognize good in their husbands and pray together that God would protect and nurture that growth.
On the other hand, how often do you hear women sharing tidbits on fashion, work out routines, or diets? I already mentioned the way they way evil uses this area and he casts arrogant accusations at wives that they must look a certain way for their husbands to really pursue them. A ‘beautiful woman’ in our culture is physically emaciated and personally empty. I can’t imagine how stressed and unhealthy the eating habits are of any wife who is trying to live up to the popular image of physical beauty held up in our culture. The physical beauty portrayed in popular culture is supported by huge amounts of energy and money. True beauty is inner and any woman who wants to grow it must direct her energy and resources to walk with God and wrestle with evil as she grows inside beauty and rest. When women try to make outward beauty the way to life they are side-stepping the faith and endurance needed to walk with God. As we celebrate and support the images of beauty paraded around in popular culture we are helping energize a system that wears women down and opposes the purposes of God. A wife who can name, celebrate and fight for the work of Jesus in her husband will be far more attractive than one who is owned by the way she looks. There are so many arrogant accusations that are celebrated and affirmed that undermine God’s purposes that every husband and wife is encountering a major conflict just to hear and respond to their callings from God.
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