Because I have been on a little bit or a roll lately with the blog I thought I would post another entry. This is an excerpt from the book I am working on. It comes from the chapter called The Redemptive Pathway for a Husband: Interpsonal Humility. I define Interpersonal Humility as the ability to let someone help you with your inadequacies. In this chapter I talk about the 3 most common internal problems a husband deals with: guilt, contempt and frustration. As he lets the Lord help him with these he becomes a better husband. A husband often doesn't learn how to relate better to his wife by focusing on her but instead grows in his ability to relate with his wife as he grows in his relationship with the Lord.
It is not easy to keep missing the mark as a husband. It is genuinely exasperating for any husband to care about his wife when he is confronting daily impediments. This often creates a determination in a husband to get it right or a resolve to stop trying. Either way the path to meaningful freedom for a husband lies on the other side of condemning guilt.
Guilt evolves from any fracture in relationship we experience where there is personal culpability. Because a husband will often be personally liable for the break in relationship with his wife he will have an ongoing sense of guilt. The only way a husband cannot experience guilt in marriage is to harden to its existence. Prior to marriage most men have not stuck to a relationship of choice where the transgressions between the parties began to pile up. Friendships are the only relationship of choice that men experience prior to marriage and they are not as close or as meaningful as marriage and when they become tough men usually distance themselves or find new friends. Men have little experience prior to marriage in dealing with guilt in an ongoing relationship.
Add into the mix that the evil one will be quick to beat the husband up with reminders that his lack of regular success is sealing a fate of unrelenting disappointment from his wife. Evil regularly pelted me with an arrogant accusation such as, “Laughter is the most important aspect of martial happiness,” because that was where I was weakest. I was good at talking about meaningful things but had a much harder time laughing as things got difficult. Every couple under the sun who laughed well became a reminder I was a failure as a husband. This fueled a desire to run from my guilt not look for help with it.
In addition, it was so easy to fall into my fleshly groove. I remember talking about the book on sex my wife and I both read before we were married. As I discussed what I learned my wife said something like, “I don’t think sex is supposed to happen according to a manual.” She was exposing my tendency to fall right into my fleshly groove. Often something opposite of my fleshly groove like a spontaneous outing would be the thing that would encourage my wife but that rarely appeared as an option in my mind. My continued acquiescence to my fleshly groove and to arrogant accusations seemed to mock my longing for liberty from my guilt.
All along I knew that Christ’s forgiveness mattered but I had a hard time receiving it personally. I might hear Christ saying, “I forgive you and I am with you,” but my wife continued hurting, being irritated or afraid by my behavior in such a way that Christ’s forgiveness didn’t seem to mean that much. I was often repenting over my sins or admitting my weaknesses but what was changing were thoughts and attitudes on the inside that were not directly demonstrated or noticed in the relationship. In addition, my change was progressive so I was still hurting Dawn at the same time that I was growing into more. Since Dawn did not necessarily see or taste the fruit of my repentance she did not believe it was really happening.
This is where the husband’s advantages come into play. He is designed to be able to lift his countenance towards God before his wife. The extra ‘energy’ of his advantages is to help him hear God say, “Well done. You are changing and growing. Do not despise the day of small beginnings,” (Zech 4:10) before his wife can hear it. I had to start believing that I heard something my wife couldn’t hear. I kind of heard it like this, “I know you care about Dawn. She does not have to affirm the genuineness of your repentance for it to be true. Trust me. As you learn to really hear and believe I am saying ‘well done’ and learn to rest in it you will gain the strength to communicate grace to your wife and wait with her so she too can see your change more clearly.”
I had to start accepting and believing what the Holy Spirit was saying in my heart instead of being so owned by what my wife was often focusing on. When Paul said to, “Put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness,” I had no idea how much my heart would be attacked through my wife’s disappointment and how much courage it would take to believe that Jesus death was bigger than her discontentment.
In the flesh evil wants a man to get his significance and validation of his masculinity from his wife. Many men see the path to masculinity supported by a wife who cheers louder and louder instead of really playing the game and learning to listen to the coach. A man wants a woman to create a shortcut for him on the path of Godly masculinity. I have done enough marital counseling to watch this theme play out again and again. I often help the husband get moving into repentance and he starts changing. As he does he wants the wife to affirm it. It is very rare that a wife has the depth of mercy to affirm this change early in the process to her husband. She may feel and see some of the change but to say it out loud to him involves a level of spiritual maturity few wives posses. In the midst of actually doing better and changing the husband must learn to look beyond his wife.
If a husband begins to step into interpersonal humility and accept Christ’s ministry to him he begins to feel accepted and is less owned by his limitations. The purpose of a husband’s insufficiency is to bring him into deeper fellowship with Jesus. It is to get him to rely on God’s grace and not his performance. As he begins to hear Jesus say, “Husband you will never get it right. I did that so you could see me. As you see me, as you start trusting my grace in such a way that your wife’s discontent is not so debilitating, than you are on the way to freedom.” The husband now begins to hear, “Well done!” more regularly in a way that surprises him.
Most husbands and wives believe that if a husband would pay more attention to his wife and work at relating to her that the marriage will get better. That seems right but is actually very foolish. That will only increase the distance between the husband and wife. Instead, a husband must endure through difficulty long enough for his self-reliant dependence on performance to be dislodged and be transformed into a dependence on God’s care for him. God’s acceptance of him, his love for him is a much surer anchor than his performance or his wife’s validation. Learning to hear well done from the Lord more regularly is what will help a husband to pay better attention to his wife and relate to her with more kindness.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Self Discipline vs. Self Control
“Don’t handle! Don’t taste! Don’t touch!”? Such rules are mere human teachings about things that deteriorate as we use them. These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self-denial, and severe bodily discipline. But they provide no help in conquering a person’s evil desires. Colossians 2:21-23
Self-discipline seems like such a good idea. I wish we were all able to genuinely produce whatever type of change we wanted to see in ourselves. I was recently asked what the difference between self-discipline and self-control was. I said self-discipline is pushing ourselves or putting pressure on ourselves to change. This pressure is often maintained through goals or rules. The emphasis is generally on working and doing as the means to change. If we change as a result of self-discipline we feel proud of what we have accomplished. This type of pride is busy and noisy and the opposite of the gratefulness and awe the Lord wants to grow in us. Self-control, on the other hand is a fruit of the spirit. It is something God does in and for us. The way we grow self-control is to admit we lack it, long for it to change and wait for God to work in us. Self-control grows by admitting, longing and waiting. The 'work' we do in this way of changing is being honest about our failures and limitations, allowing ourselves to feel pain as we long for more and standing up to the condemnation from evil that says God will never show up for us. I believe that 'work' is actually harder than doing something. We are often fooled that activity and self-inflicted pressure leads to change more than truth, desire and relationship. In fact, in Christian circles we often think desire is bad or gets us in to trouble. However, it says "Blessed are those who hunger or thirst for righteousness for they will be filled" (Matt 5:6).
In a more 'Gospel centered' process of change we may use a 'means of grace'. There are many examples of a means of grace. We might not have dessert in the home to help with self-indulgence or use Covenant Eyes to help with lust, or have a friend we talk to about our tendency to gossip. We then pray and wait for the change to happen because the absence of dessert or the exposure of what we are doing through Covenant Eyes or the honesty of a God relationship might help us to say no to indulgence, lust or gossip but that doesn't mean we have actually changed. The freedom to genuinely say no comes not from removing the obstacle but is something God does in us. Perhaps you have heard the term 'a dry drunk.' This is someone who has stopped drinking but underlying problems that contributed to the drinking have not changed. Removing the alcohol and being part of a group that helps you to say no is a means to grace. It helps you do what you want to do but it doesn't mean you have changed. Alcohol might be the particular idol and it’s good for the idol to be removed but it doesn't mean the false worship has been replaced with genuine worship. That takes time. So in any case I think we are quieter when we aim for inner change through truth, desire and relationship with the living God and employ a means of grace as necessary. Devotion, pious self-denial and severe bodily discipline are not ways to genuinely experience life giving and God-breathed change. So as a reminder...
Self-discpline we work, push and fret
Self-control we admit, long and wait
Self-discipline seems like such a good idea. I wish we were all able to genuinely produce whatever type of change we wanted to see in ourselves. I was recently asked what the difference between self-discipline and self-control was. I said self-discipline is pushing ourselves or putting pressure on ourselves to change. This pressure is often maintained through goals or rules. The emphasis is generally on working and doing as the means to change. If we change as a result of self-discipline we feel proud of what we have accomplished. This type of pride is busy and noisy and the opposite of the gratefulness and awe the Lord wants to grow in us. Self-control, on the other hand is a fruit of the spirit. It is something God does in and for us. The way we grow self-control is to admit we lack it, long for it to change and wait for God to work in us. Self-control grows by admitting, longing and waiting. The 'work' we do in this way of changing is being honest about our failures and limitations, allowing ourselves to feel pain as we long for more and standing up to the condemnation from evil that says God will never show up for us. I believe that 'work' is actually harder than doing something. We are often fooled that activity and self-inflicted pressure leads to change more than truth, desire and relationship. In fact, in Christian circles we often think desire is bad or gets us in to trouble. However, it says "Blessed are those who hunger or thirst for righteousness for they will be filled" (Matt 5:6).
In a more 'Gospel centered' process of change we may use a 'means of grace'. There are many examples of a means of grace. We might not have dessert in the home to help with self-indulgence or use Covenant Eyes to help with lust, or have a friend we talk to about our tendency to gossip. We then pray and wait for the change to happen because the absence of dessert or the exposure of what we are doing through Covenant Eyes or the honesty of a God relationship might help us to say no to indulgence, lust or gossip but that doesn't mean we have actually changed. The freedom to genuinely say no comes not from removing the obstacle but is something God does in us. Perhaps you have heard the term 'a dry drunk.' This is someone who has stopped drinking but underlying problems that contributed to the drinking have not changed. Removing the alcohol and being part of a group that helps you to say no is a means to grace. It helps you do what you want to do but it doesn't mean you have changed. Alcohol might be the particular idol and it’s good for the idol to be removed but it doesn't mean the false worship has been replaced with genuine worship. That takes time. So in any case I think we are quieter when we aim for inner change through truth, desire and relationship with the living God and employ a means of grace as necessary. Devotion, pious self-denial and severe bodily discipline are not ways to genuinely experience life giving and God-breathed change. So as a reminder...
Self-discpline we work, push and fret
Self-control we admit, long and wait
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I have spent the last two months using most of my spare time to focus on the book I am trying to write. Monday I emailed a book proposal to a friend who is forwarding it on to a friend who has some connections in the Christian publishing world. Nothing may come or something may come of that. We will see. In any case, I had a little time to put some words together for the blog...
“Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” It seems to me that this question by the serpent put Eve on the defensive. There was a sinister accusation in the question and one Eve plays into when she changes what God said in her response to the evil one. How often are you being asked questions that put you on the defensive in regards to something God has said to you? Did God really say your job was a gift? Did God really say that children were a blessing? Did God really say your husband was a good man and he was worth fighting for? Did God really say he had good planned for you and not evil? Did God really say???? Did God really say??? Did God really say??? Did Jesus really rise from the dead and does it really make a difference? Have death and sin been vanquished and will there really be a new heaven and a new earth? You are not going to stop hearing those questions the rest of your life. Is God really good?
This morning as I drove to work I was listening to the song, I Believe in a Promised Land. These words from the song spoke to what I often experience in this world.
“There's a dark cloud rising from the desert floor
I packed my bags and I'm heading straight into the storm
Gonna be a twister to blow everything down
That ain't got the faith to stand its ground
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted
Chorus:
Well the dogs on Main Street howl 'cause they understand.
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land
And I believe in a promised land
And I believe in a promised land.”
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man. Why is it maturity to proclaim belief? Why does it take so much to stand up into the things we say are true? What is it about saying you believe in something that takes strength? I have been struck in the past several weeks how often we have to keep standing to protect that actual good and beauty that is in our life. Fighting simply to keep saying yes to the things we really believe are yes.
The devil is a bully that wants to cast doubt on our love for God and make us believe we actually want to follow and worship evil. He is a personal force behind wickedness that pushes people away from God. For instance, year nine in our marriage was a very vulnerable period in my life. There were several major stressors in my life that came together at once and tipped my faith towards unbelief and fear. We had three young children (a newborn, a two year old and a four year old), had recently purchased our first house that needed work (we had neither the money to pay for the work to get done and I didn’t have the ability or time to do the work), I worked part time at a young struggling church and part time as a counselor at a non-profit organization I started and was trying to get off the ground, and at the same time had just started work on my doctoral degree. We were doing this in a very materialistic culture on a ministry salary. I was overloaded with stress and was very vulnerable.
The evil one kept pointing out to me how ‘unfair’ God was. He regularly brought to mind the couples younger than us who had nicer homes and could easily afford to pay for home projects. He also waltzed families before me that had relatives in town who could provide childcare. In general, if Dawn was getting a rest it was because I was with the children. Although Dawn was regularly working to exhaustion her frailties and failures were like billboards in my mind. It was often all I could see. I so often felt foolish for being in ministry and caring about others when I couldn’t adequately provide the time or financial resources my family needed. The evil one saw the frailty of my faith and regularly suggested that God didn’t care about me and that Dawn wasn’t doing her part. I was regularly tempted with the thought of an affair or divorce. Although I didn’t want to do either of those things I kept finding the desire pulsating within me. Evil was inflaming my flesh and trying to make me believe it was what I wanted. The evil one tried to wear me down so that I would choose those options. In fact, the arousal of my fleshly nature which is naturally hostile towards God contributed to me considering that hurting God through such a decision was a good option. My life was like a desert boiling with heat and there seemed to be no water anywhere so I was susceptible to hallucinations that came in the form of temptations towards a divorce or affair.
The adulterous woman described in Proverbs 9 is a metaphor for evil. The wise man says the adulterous woman is brash and that she seeks men who are minding their own business (9:13-15). I was simply trying to love my wife and girls and find a place in ministry and evil kept waltzing temptation by me to try and get me to bite. We often explain the sin in our life by focusing on our choices and believing that whatever sin emerges grows out of choices we have sought after and fought for to make happen. Quite often this is not true. There are many times evil keeps irritating us tempting us and the guilt over temptation and the weariness from battling wears us down to the point where we sin because we are so battered it seems like what we want. As Proverbs indicates Evil works like a prostitute. She stands out on the corner seeking and calling to men minding their own business. A prostitute puts her wares out for the taking specifically attempting to subjugate weak men. This is a picture of how evil works. He tries to bully us away from the truth by pushing on our vulnerabilities. A bully pursues someone vulnerable and uses harassment and commotion that further weakens his victims and gets them to cower before they even consider standing up. We forget that evil is the antithesis of God. He has no grace or mercy and pursues us with a vengeance especially when we are vulnerable. Until you stand up to a bully and call him on his bullying you live with a fear that makes his power seem much larger than it actually is. “He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour,” (1 Peter 5:8). The evil one is a personal being who deceptively tries to bully the children of God away from what God calls them to so that he can desecrate God’s glory in the process.
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. James 1:2-6 The Message
I want to stand up and keep standing up. I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. Today I just want to say Jesus died and rose from the dead. It matters. Sin and death have been vanquished. There will be a new heaven and a new earth. I believe it.
“Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” It seems to me that this question by the serpent put Eve on the defensive. There was a sinister accusation in the question and one Eve plays into when she changes what God said in her response to the evil one. How often are you being asked questions that put you on the defensive in regards to something God has said to you? Did God really say your job was a gift? Did God really say that children were a blessing? Did God really say your husband was a good man and he was worth fighting for? Did God really say he had good planned for you and not evil? Did God really say???? Did God really say??? Did God really say??? Did Jesus really rise from the dead and does it really make a difference? Have death and sin been vanquished and will there really be a new heaven and a new earth? You are not going to stop hearing those questions the rest of your life. Is God really good?
This morning as I drove to work I was listening to the song, I Believe in a Promised Land. These words from the song spoke to what I often experience in this world.
“There's a dark cloud rising from the desert floor
I packed my bags and I'm heading straight into the storm
Gonna be a twister to blow everything down
That ain't got the faith to stand its ground
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted
Chorus:
Well the dogs on Main Street howl 'cause they understand.
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land
And I believe in a promised land
And I believe in a promised land.”
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man. Why is it maturity to proclaim belief? Why does it take so much to stand up into the things we say are true? What is it about saying you believe in something that takes strength? I have been struck in the past several weeks how often we have to keep standing to protect that actual good and beauty that is in our life. Fighting simply to keep saying yes to the things we really believe are yes.
The devil is a bully that wants to cast doubt on our love for God and make us believe we actually want to follow and worship evil. He is a personal force behind wickedness that pushes people away from God. For instance, year nine in our marriage was a very vulnerable period in my life. There were several major stressors in my life that came together at once and tipped my faith towards unbelief and fear. We had three young children (a newborn, a two year old and a four year old), had recently purchased our first house that needed work (we had neither the money to pay for the work to get done and I didn’t have the ability or time to do the work), I worked part time at a young struggling church and part time as a counselor at a non-profit organization I started and was trying to get off the ground, and at the same time had just started work on my doctoral degree. We were doing this in a very materialistic culture on a ministry salary. I was overloaded with stress and was very vulnerable.
The evil one kept pointing out to me how ‘unfair’ God was. He regularly brought to mind the couples younger than us who had nicer homes and could easily afford to pay for home projects. He also waltzed families before me that had relatives in town who could provide childcare. In general, if Dawn was getting a rest it was because I was with the children. Although Dawn was regularly working to exhaustion her frailties and failures were like billboards in my mind. It was often all I could see. I so often felt foolish for being in ministry and caring about others when I couldn’t adequately provide the time or financial resources my family needed. The evil one saw the frailty of my faith and regularly suggested that God didn’t care about me and that Dawn wasn’t doing her part. I was regularly tempted with the thought of an affair or divorce. Although I didn’t want to do either of those things I kept finding the desire pulsating within me. Evil was inflaming my flesh and trying to make me believe it was what I wanted. The evil one tried to wear me down so that I would choose those options. In fact, the arousal of my fleshly nature which is naturally hostile towards God contributed to me considering that hurting God through such a decision was a good option. My life was like a desert boiling with heat and there seemed to be no water anywhere so I was susceptible to hallucinations that came in the form of temptations towards a divorce or affair.
The adulterous woman described in Proverbs 9 is a metaphor for evil. The wise man says the adulterous woman is brash and that she seeks men who are minding their own business (9:13-15). I was simply trying to love my wife and girls and find a place in ministry and evil kept waltzing temptation by me to try and get me to bite. We often explain the sin in our life by focusing on our choices and believing that whatever sin emerges grows out of choices we have sought after and fought for to make happen. Quite often this is not true. There are many times evil keeps irritating us tempting us and the guilt over temptation and the weariness from battling wears us down to the point where we sin because we are so battered it seems like what we want. As Proverbs indicates Evil works like a prostitute. She stands out on the corner seeking and calling to men minding their own business. A prostitute puts her wares out for the taking specifically attempting to subjugate weak men. This is a picture of how evil works. He tries to bully us away from the truth by pushing on our vulnerabilities. A bully pursues someone vulnerable and uses harassment and commotion that further weakens his victims and gets them to cower before they even consider standing up. We forget that evil is the antithesis of God. He has no grace or mercy and pursues us with a vengeance especially when we are vulnerable. Until you stand up to a bully and call him on his bullying you live with a fear that makes his power seem much larger than it actually is. “He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour,” (1 Peter 5:8). The evil one is a personal being who deceptively tries to bully the children of God away from what God calls them to so that he can desecrate God’s glory in the process.
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. James 1:2-6 The Message
I want to stand up and keep standing up. I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. Today I just want to say Jesus died and rose from the dead. It matters. Sin and death have been vanquished. There will be a new heaven and a new earth. I believe it.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Feminine Fearlessness
Having had some vacation time recently I have been writing early in the morning before the family gets up. Thus I thought I would put an excerpt on the blog. The first part of the book is called, "God Loves Common Ground." Within that section I describe the "callings" of God to husbands and wives as presented in the New Testament. I have tried to come up with larger themes that I present broadly in the first part of the book and then narrow them down in the third part of the book where I talk about "Fighting for Common Ground." The two postures I talk about that I see evolving from the NT for wives are "awe-inspired cooperation" and "restful fearlessness." The section below is in the second part (restful fearlessness) where I talk about the need for wives to aim for fearlessness.
Marriage calls a wife to engage vulnerability. She is called to grow the faith to ask more or less of her husband depending on what will be best for the marriage. Restfulness helps her to ask less of her husband because she knows God is her ultimate defender. This invites her husband to look beyond her and see God. In addition to seeing God a husband must need God to go deeper with Him. Therefore, a wife needs to be free to point her husband towards more. Like all of us a husband will often only choose God’s ways when everything else he has tried fails. However, no one is quick to genuinely admit failures especially in the heightened atmosphere of marriage. In fact, we often distance ourselves from those who make our inadequacy clear. As such, a wife will detest the distance that comes from being a light in her husband’s life. She will naturally trip over the moments where she can illumine the darkness in her husband’s heart because she dislikes the distance it will create between them. To ask more of her husband calls a wife to faith and courage.
This is why Peter urges women act like Sarah’s (Abraham’s wife) daughter. He says, “You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do,” (1 Peter 3:6). If you are at all familiar with Abraham’s lack of character displayed in the Genesis narrative you will appreciate what Peter is saying to wives. In the long Genesis narrative Abraham responds to God well only two times. Initially, when he leaves Haran and many years later when walks up the mountain with Isaac. In between that span for over 20 years Abraham wrestles to believe and trust in God. Sarah lives in the wake of Abraham’s growing and stumbling faith. In his fear and cowardice he concocts a lie to tell foreign leaders that Sarah is his sister because he worries that the leaders will kill him because Sarah is so beautiful. First, Pharaoh takes Sarah as his wife until the Lord supernaturally intervenes. This is not enough to help Abraham change because later Abraham does the same thing with Abimelech. He too takes Sarah as his wife until the Lord intercedes. God says to Abimelich, “Yes, I know you are innocent. That’s why I kept you from sinning against me, and why I did not let you touch her. Now return the woman to her husband, and he will pray for you, for he is a prophet. Then you will live. But if you don’t return her to him, you can be sure that you and all your people will die.” Sarah is fortunate to have God as her protector.
The Old Testament does not detail the relationship between Abraham and Sarah other than to show that Abraham lies to protect himself and seems willing to sacrifice Sarah. The narrative does not help us ascertain how Sarah related to Abraham in response we only know that from Peter’s comment she must have continued to endure with Abraham and somehow displayed courage and faith in the process. Yet, if we consider what Peter went onto say in the rest of his epistle it provides an indication of Sarah’s behavior. Right after he counsels wives to act like Sarah he sums up his overall advice on submission and says, “To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. Who is there to harm you if you prove zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. AND DO NOT FEAR THEIR INTIMIDATION, AND DO NOT BE TROUBLED, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence. (1 Peter 3:8-17)
For Sarah to be affirmed several verses before his conclusion on submission I have to believe she embodied what Peter is espousing. Thus, when a wife grows in living righteously as a response to God and not an attempt to change, manipulate, or nudge her husband she becomes a megaphone that God is more necessary to the husband than he often wants Him to be. Sarah must have helped Abraham grow in his faith with God because when an offended party continues to walk in faith and not make their primary response discontentment over the wrongdoing they actually provide a deeper exposure of the sin. I want to suggest that the times where Sarah endured with character she helped facilitate moments that exposed Abraham’s unbelief.
It would be nice for wives if Godly responding meant a smoother relationship right away with their husbands. However, when a wife responds in faith, husbands will often become angrier in an attempt to shelter their sin. This is why Peter says, “But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. AND DO NOT FEAR THEIR INTIMIDATION, AND DO NOT BE TROUBLED, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence.” This is why femininity involves fearlessness.
When a wife doesn’t change her behavior to collude with her husband’s sin and instead exposes it by pursuing holiness she ups the ante and risks her husband’s anger or disapproval. The rest of scripture would affirm that humans don’t respond well to exposure of sin. Consider this Proverb, “He who rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with the tongue,” (28:23). Initially, the rebuke brings displeasure not acquiescence. Exposure of sin is painful and the person being exposed will often hide from the exposure or blame the person who did the exposing. It takes time for the exposed party to accept the reality of their sinfulness. It is waiting through the period of acceptance that calls a wife to fearlessness. Like the first husband God confronted, husbands all through history have been echoing the blame Adam put on Eve, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate,” (Genesis 3:12) .
Thus, when Peter wrote, “You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husband’s might do.” I hear Peter’s saying, “Do not let your husband’s misuse of his advantages and the time it takes him to really hear and trust what God promises to cause you to shrink down into fear and anxiety where you answer his sin with sin. When you respond well or grow in holiness it may make your husband angrier and he may even make you pay for the attention your life brings to his sin. It will take deep faith to respond well but it is the best way to help him cry out for God. At times you will help awaken your husband to things he needs to see and hear. Do not be afraid.” Eugene Peterson paraphrases the above mentioned verse as, “Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as ‘my dear husband.’ You’ll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unaxious and unintimidated.” It is all such a paradox. God gives selfish husbands an advantage and tells them to use it for their wives. He designs wives with a disadvantage and tells them to not be afraid of their husbands. It is as if he loves faith. Like without faith and dependence on him we could never experience Common Ground as a couple.
Marriage calls a wife to engage vulnerability. She is called to grow the faith to ask more or less of her husband depending on what will be best for the marriage. Restfulness helps her to ask less of her husband because she knows God is her ultimate defender. This invites her husband to look beyond her and see God. In addition to seeing God a husband must need God to go deeper with Him. Therefore, a wife needs to be free to point her husband towards more. Like all of us a husband will often only choose God’s ways when everything else he has tried fails. However, no one is quick to genuinely admit failures especially in the heightened atmosphere of marriage. In fact, we often distance ourselves from those who make our inadequacy clear. As such, a wife will detest the distance that comes from being a light in her husband’s life. She will naturally trip over the moments where she can illumine the darkness in her husband’s heart because she dislikes the distance it will create between them. To ask more of her husband calls a wife to faith and courage.
This is why Peter urges women act like Sarah’s (Abraham’s wife) daughter. He says, “You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do,” (1 Peter 3:6). If you are at all familiar with Abraham’s lack of character displayed in the Genesis narrative you will appreciate what Peter is saying to wives. In the long Genesis narrative Abraham responds to God well only two times. Initially, when he leaves Haran and many years later when walks up the mountain with Isaac. In between that span for over 20 years Abraham wrestles to believe and trust in God. Sarah lives in the wake of Abraham’s growing and stumbling faith. In his fear and cowardice he concocts a lie to tell foreign leaders that Sarah is his sister because he worries that the leaders will kill him because Sarah is so beautiful. First, Pharaoh takes Sarah as his wife until the Lord supernaturally intervenes. This is not enough to help Abraham change because later Abraham does the same thing with Abimelech. He too takes Sarah as his wife until the Lord intercedes. God says to Abimelich, “Yes, I know you are innocent. That’s why I kept you from sinning against me, and why I did not let you touch her. Now return the woman to her husband, and he will pray for you, for he is a prophet. Then you will live. But if you don’t return her to him, you can be sure that you and all your people will die.” Sarah is fortunate to have God as her protector.
The Old Testament does not detail the relationship between Abraham and Sarah other than to show that Abraham lies to protect himself and seems willing to sacrifice Sarah. The narrative does not help us ascertain how Sarah related to Abraham in response we only know that from Peter’s comment she must have continued to endure with Abraham and somehow displayed courage and faith in the process. Yet, if we consider what Peter went onto say in the rest of his epistle it provides an indication of Sarah’s behavior. Right after he counsels wives to act like Sarah he sums up his overall advice on submission and says, “To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. Who is there to harm you if you prove zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. AND DO NOT FEAR THEIR INTIMIDATION, AND DO NOT BE TROUBLED, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence. (1 Peter 3:8-17)
For Sarah to be affirmed several verses before his conclusion on submission I have to believe she embodied what Peter is espousing. Thus, when a wife grows in living righteously as a response to God and not an attempt to change, manipulate, or nudge her husband she becomes a megaphone that God is more necessary to the husband than he often wants Him to be. Sarah must have helped Abraham grow in his faith with God because when an offended party continues to walk in faith and not make their primary response discontentment over the wrongdoing they actually provide a deeper exposure of the sin. I want to suggest that the times where Sarah endured with character she helped facilitate moments that exposed Abraham’s unbelief.
It would be nice for wives if Godly responding meant a smoother relationship right away with their husbands. However, when a wife responds in faith, husbands will often become angrier in an attempt to shelter their sin. This is why Peter says, “But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. AND DO NOT FEAR THEIR INTIMIDATION, AND DO NOT BE TROUBLED, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence.” This is why femininity involves fearlessness.
When a wife doesn’t change her behavior to collude with her husband’s sin and instead exposes it by pursuing holiness she ups the ante and risks her husband’s anger or disapproval. The rest of scripture would affirm that humans don’t respond well to exposure of sin. Consider this Proverb, “He who rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with the tongue,” (28:23). Initially, the rebuke brings displeasure not acquiescence. Exposure of sin is painful and the person being exposed will often hide from the exposure or blame the person who did the exposing. It takes time for the exposed party to accept the reality of their sinfulness. It is waiting through the period of acceptance that calls a wife to fearlessness. Like the first husband God confronted, husbands all through history have been echoing the blame Adam put on Eve, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate,” (Genesis 3:12) .
Thus, when Peter wrote, “You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husband’s might do.” I hear Peter’s saying, “Do not let your husband’s misuse of his advantages and the time it takes him to really hear and trust what God promises to cause you to shrink down into fear and anxiety where you answer his sin with sin. When you respond well or grow in holiness it may make your husband angrier and he may even make you pay for the attention your life brings to his sin. It will take deep faith to respond well but it is the best way to help him cry out for God. At times you will help awaken your husband to things he needs to see and hear. Do not be afraid.” Eugene Peterson paraphrases the above mentioned verse as, “Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as ‘my dear husband.’ You’ll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unaxious and unintimidated.” It is all such a paradox. God gives selfish husbands an advantage and tells them to use it for their wives. He designs wives with a disadvantage and tells them to not be afraid of their husbands. It is as if he loves faith. Like without faith and dependence on him we could never experience Common Ground as a couple.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Vacation Reading
During vacation last week I read the book The Tender Bar by J.R. Moehringer. The book is a memoir of his life and the place a neighborhood bar played in 'raising' him into a man. He grew up fatherless and had three primary living situations: alone with his mother, with his mother, aunt, uncle and cousins at his grandparents’ home or at his grandparents’ home without his mother. His grandfather was not a good man so he ended up identifying with his uncle who worked at the bar. J.R. becomes attached to the men at the bar and the acceptance he found from them. He writes, “Everyone has a holy place, a refuge, where their heart is purer, their mind clearer, where they feel close to God or love or truth or whatever it is they happen to worship. For better or worse my holy place was Steve’s bar. And because I found it in my youth, the bar was that much more sacred, its image clouded by that special reverence children accord those places where they feel safe.” He is a skillful story teller and writes about his past with honesty, kindness and sorrow. As you might imagine alcohol, and the damaging impact it can have when it is the focus of a person’s life, is a large part of the story.
One of the things that struck me as I read was that he did not hurry to get to the redemptive part of his life. He actually leaves that, for the most part, unaddressed. As the narrative of his life unfolded I was struck with the sadness that surrounded him. He did not pretend about this and he describes the way he tried to cope with it. He didn’t hide or cover up the painful parts of his life or the way he falteringly tried to deal with the pain. He was also candid about the ‘salvation’ alcohol and the bar brought to him. Reading it made me realize how we do ourselves a disservice when we marginalize painful, even largely sinful, parts of our lives. Not that I think sin should be glorified but we don’t have to be afraid of it. We should be sober about it and certainly aim to avoid it, but when recounting episodes where it is or has been alive in our life (it is always alive to some degree), it can be helpful to slow down and unpack what was really going on. As we are not afraid of sin and can discuss it meaningfully it can aid in a growing freedom from sin. It can become clearer why we gravitate to it, how we use it to hide or blame, and how our life is not all black or white. In addition, we are being sanctified in the midst of sin. If he was to write off or marginalize his connection to the bar it would be impossible for him to see some of the grace that pursued and upheld him through the years his life revolved around the bar. The miracle of what he realizes and becomes seems more glorious as it emerges out of the background of the bar. We so often have to find the good, or prove that God is working or make our life a justification that God is real that we overstate or over appreciate the good and naively believe that things are better than they are. When we can be more honest and more courageous and talk about the good and the bad together the good often emerges as a surprise, as a gift, as something to be nourished and cherished and held onto for the nugget it is.
One of the things that struck me as I read was that he did not hurry to get to the redemptive part of his life. He actually leaves that, for the most part, unaddressed. As the narrative of his life unfolded I was struck with the sadness that surrounded him. He did not pretend about this and he describes the way he tried to cope with it. He didn’t hide or cover up the painful parts of his life or the way he falteringly tried to deal with the pain. He was also candid about the ‘salvation’ alcohol and the bar brought to him. Reading it made me realize how we do ourselves a disservice when we marginalize painful, even largely sinful, parts of our lives. Not that I think sin should be glorified but we don’t have to be afraid of it. We should be sober about it and certainly aim to avoid it, but when recounting episodes where it is or has been alive in our life (it is always alive to some degree), it can be helpful to slow down and unpack what was really going on. As we are not afraid of sin and can discuss it meaningfully it can aid in a growing freedom from sin. It can become clearer why we gravitate to it, how we use it to hide or blame, and how our life is not all black or white. In addition, we are being sanctified in the midst of sin. If he was to write off or marginalize his connection to the bar it would be impossible for him to see some of the grace that pursued and upheld him through the years his life revolved around the bar. The miracle of what he realizes and becomes seems more glorious as it emerges out of the background of the bar. We so often have to find the good, or prove that God is working or make our life a justification that God is real that we overstate or over appreciate the good and naively believe that things are better than they are. When we can be more honest and more courageous and talk about the good and the bad together the good often emerges as a surprise, as a gift, as something to be nourished and cherished and held onto for the nugget it is.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
One Year
Proverbs 10:7
A good and honest life is a blessed memorial. The Message
The memory of the righteous will be a blessing. New Living Translation
For Daymark and many people connected to Daymark today is a large day. Today marks the one year anniversary of Dewayne's death. In many ways it is a hard day - to realize we have moved through one whole year without Dewayne. Although my memories during the year have alternated between painful (I miss Dewayne and I miss who he was to his wife, parents, sister, friends and those he counseled) and warm (I remember his laughter, his kindness, his thoughtfulness) I am certaintly not at the point where I can declare only that which Proverbs 10:7 says. The memory of the righteous will be a blessing. Although that is the truth and who Dewayne was in righteousness was a glory to behold, it still hurts at times. At the wake as someone very close to Dewayne saw his body they began to sob and cry out about all the things Dewayne had left to say and do. It expressed the depth of my cries exactly. As I first got to know Dewayne years ago I was struck by his passion and heart and giftedness. Through the years as I watched him grow and then got to see him offer his gifts through Daymark it caused me to look toward the future with such hope about all he would do and say. At times the absence of his saying and doing and being has been sad. Some of that sadness has been a grace because it draws me to God and reminds me we are not home. Some is still just sad especially as I have talked and walked with those who Dewayne touched so deeply. I am genuinely more owned by the largeness and beauty of his soul and often as I remember him I smile. In his article on grief Dewayne wrote... The backwardness of the gospel finds itself at work in your sorrow and memory; it is through your grief healing is encountered. I think that has been true this past year and yet I know their is more healing to happen. Dewayne's greatest gift to me was that he helped me to trust and wait for that healing to unfold and appreciate it as it did. So I will keep aiming to rest in that as I journey on.
A good and honest life is a blessed memorial. The Message
The memory of the righteous will be a blessing. New Living Translation
For Daymark and many people connected to Daymark today is a large day. Today marks the one year anniversary of Dewayne's death. In many ways it is a hard day - to realize we have moved through one whole year without Dewayne. Although my memories during the year have alternated between painful (I miss Dewayne and I miss who he was to his wife, parents, sister, friends and those he counseled) and warm (I remember his laughter, his kindness, his thoughtfulness) I am certaintly not at the point where I can declare only that which Proverbs 10:7 says. The memory of the righteous will be a blessing. Although that is the truth and who Dewayne was in righteousness was a glory to behold, it still hurts at times. At the wake as someone very close to Dewayne saw his body they began to sob and cry out about all the things Dewayne had left to say and do. It expressed the depth of my cries exactly. As I first got to know Dewayne years ago I was struck by his passion and heart and giftedness. Through the years as I watched him grow and then got to see him offer his gifts through Daymark it caused me to look toward the future with such hope about all he would do and say. At times the absence of his saying and doing and being has been sad. Some of that sadness has been a grace because it draws me to God and reminds me we are not home. Some is still just sad especially as I have talked and walked with those who Dewayne touched so deeply. I am genuinely more owned by the largeness and beauty of his soul and often as I remember him I smile. In his article on grief Dewayne wrote... The backwardness of the gospel finds itself at work in your sorrow and memory; it is through your grief healing is encountered. I think that has been true this past year and yet I know their is more healing to happen. Dewayne's greatest gift to me was that he helped me to trust and wait for that healing to unfold and appreciate it as it did. So I will keep aiming to rest in that as I journey on.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Rejoicing in What is True
Given that I have not written anything in almost a month this is not turning out to be much of a blog. Perhaps this next month it will read a little more like a blog!
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Co 13:4-7
I've thougth a lot about the lack of love I see in myself, the church and the world the past month. Genuine love is so beautiful and so refreshing that it is a sad thing for it to often be in short supply. An ascpect of this that has hit me lately is that loves does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth... I've seen all over again that when I refrain from accepting what is true about me how unloving I can be. A couple of weeks ago a situation arose between Dawn and I that really frustrated me. I was hurt and wanted to let her know it. I went to talk to her with the intent of helping her recognize her failure of me. Several sentences into the conversation I found myself doing the opposite (I think Jesus did it for me because it certaintly wasn't my plan) and I began to name some meaningful ways I had hurt Dawn. I also began to describe what I thought the impact of my relating had been on Dawn. She wept. And said she felt less crazy. Do you know I can't count the amount of times I have genuinely apologized to Dawn in 19 years. Oh somewhere around 10 years ago I got I hunch I was going to have to keep aplogizing but I didn't actually know that meant forever. When the Holy Spirit has enabled me to do it well it usually brings some quite beauty into my life. The last couple of weeks with Dawn have been tender, and quiet and beautiful. I like that.
Sin blinds us and makes us noisy. Judging the log in our own eye helps us to see more clearly. When we stop celebrating the way evil is getting us to raise our own banner by being impatient, unkind, envious, boastful, proad, rude, self-serving, angry, keeping a record of wrongs and we actually agree with and rejoice in - name with vigor, passion and courage - the truth about how we unlovingly sin against those we love, it seems life is quieter, more tender and airy. I think perhaps my absence from the blogging world (in addition to being too busy) was due to paying attention to the log in my own eye. It takes a lot of attention and energy. I am glad I was able to do that becasue the subsequent quieteness has been glorious.
I think the church would look more beautiful if we started letting judgement begin with the household of God (1 peter 4:17). I also thing we would be more powerful as well.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Co 13:4-7
I've thougth a lot about the lack of love I see in myself, the church and the world the past month. Genuine love is so beautiful and so refreshing that it is a sad thing for it to often be in short supply. An ascpect of this that has hit me lately is that loves does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth... I've seen all over again that when I refrain from accepting what is true about me how unloving I can be. A couple of weeks ago a situation arose between Dawn and I that really frustrated me. I was hurt and wanted to let her know it. I went to talk to her with the intent of helping her recognize her failure of me. Several sentences into the conversation I found myself doing the opposite (I think Jesus did it for me because it certaintly wasn't my plan) and I began to name some meaningful ways I had hurt Dawn. I also began to describe what I thought the impact of my relating had been on Dawn. She wept. And said she felt less crazy. Do you know I can't count the amount of times I have genuinely apologized to Dawn in 19 years. Oh somewhere around 10 years ago I got I hunch I was going to have to keep aplogizing but I didn't actually know that meant forever. When the Holy Spirit has enabled me to do it well it usually brings some quite beauty into my life. The last couple of weeks with Dawn have been tender, and quiet and beautiful. I like that.
Sin blinds us and makes us noisy. Judging the log in our own eye helps us to see more clearly. When we stop celebrating the way evil is getting us to raise our own banner by being impatient, unkind, envious, boastful, proad, rude, self-serving, angry, keeping a record of wrongs and we actually agree with and rejoice in - name with vigor, passion and courage - the truth about how we unlovingly sin against those we love, it seems life is quieter, more tender and airy. I think perhaps my absence from the blogging world (in addition to being too busy) was due to paying attention to the log in my own eye. It takes a lot of attention and energy. I am glad I was able to do that becasue the subsequent quieteness has been glorious.
I think the church would look more beautiful if we started letting judgement begin with the household of God (1 peter 4:17). I also thing we would be more powerful as well.
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