Helping Our Children Grow Trust

I had a thought this week about parenting. Why do we say, “We want our kids to be able to tell us anything,” but when they mess up we are quick to point it out and teach them a lesson or redirect them? If we don't learn to let our kids mess up and not say anything at all or if we don’t learn to love them in the middle of the mess ups and laugh a little for them than they are not going to tell us about more serious mess ups when they really need our support and direction. In fact, the more a child receives a punishment or correction every time a parent is pained by what they do the more that child will act out and be distant from their parent when they grow up. We say things like “Jesus death covers all our sin. Past, present and future.” However, we don’t act like that. Our obsessive focus on what our children do wrong or what they need to do right demonstrate that we don’t act like Jesus is raising our children. Your kids’ mess ups are covered and there is Someone who is guiding, holding and caring for them that isn’t always pointing out what they do wrong. My definition of discipline is this: Discipline is not hurting your child after they have done something wrong. It is guiding them away from self-reliance towards trust in someone bigger. That trust begins with trusting their parents and then later the Lord. If your main goal of discipline is punishment your child will not trust you the way they need to.
To me our parenting focus got off track when we misapplied the meaning of rod and discipline in a verse like this: Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them. (Proverbs 13:24) To many people the rod only symbolized corporeal punishment and therefore we came to equate the word rod with the word spanking. The rod was a symbol of leadership and care. The shepherd used the rod to guide the sheep, protect the sheep, and lead the sheep to water and green pastures. The rod was also used to swat the sheep on their behind but that was not its main use or only focus. The only use of the rod was not corporeal punishment. If your only focus of discipline is swatting your child or applying pain to their life as a means to teach them and guiding, protecting and nurturing isn’t part of what you do well as a parent than they won’t trust you and become children that are responsive to the Lord. In fact, some of the most meaningful moments of your parenting will be when you think your child needs pain to straighten them out and you give them grace. Again, the rod was a symbol that the shepherd was the care-taker of the sheep. Because of what discipline has come to mean (punishment) we are better off using words like guidance or training to describe what the rod means. Our fear pushes us toward a more rigid definition of discipline. When we are scared about where our kids are headed it is easy to resort to the thought that more pain will straighten them out. That is a lie. A parent, of course, needs to be free to use pain in the course of their parenting but that is not to be the focus of what you do to raise them.
I want our children to trust us and come to us when they are in trouble and really need help. We begin to point them in that direction when we are free to correct them or apply grace depending on what will be most beneficial in the moment. If there are meaningful times where we can let their sin go and meet them with kindness in their fear, discouragement or shame there is a good chance they will trust us with their messes when it’s more important. (This is for another time but we also want them to have other people to go to when they mess up. A parent can’t be everything….)

Loving & Forgiving Yourself

I have found through the years that we often make comments like, "I have to forgive myself,” or "If I don't learn to love myself than I can't love others." Such comments seem to underscore the need for us to treat ourselves in a certain way that will foster change in our behavior. Thus, we make ourselves central to the process of change. If we can somehow keep telling ourselves we are loveable enough or forgivable enough than we will behave or feel better. Such a belief makes us the savior and redeemer. We actually don't have the capability to love ourselves enough or the authority to forgive ourselves. What is better is to keep growing the humility to accept God's (and other's) forgiveness even if we think we don't deserve it (we don't it’s a gift). In addition, we have to grow in accepting God's (and other's) love even though that tends to offend our desire for control and our pride that tells us that we can be our own savior. Truth be told the vulnerability of accepting help from outside ourselves makes us kinder and humbler people than thinking we can (and should) somehow be the one who brings change in our life. Such a truth kind of ruins other popular sayings like, "I can't change or control anyone all I can do is change or control myself." We can't change or control ourselves either. At the end of the day vulnerability defines our condition. As we accept our vulnerability and the love and forgiveness of God that can be the conduit of change in our life than we move in much better directions. In addition, learning to accept God's kindness helps us to accept ourselves. Self acceptance, or becoming comfortable in our own shoes, is a much better idea than learning to love or forgive ourselves. Growing self acceptance through relationship with the Lord is a much healthier and life-giving path than learning to love or forgive ourselves in our own strength. The path of self-reliance always leads to rigidity, a lack of love and self-righteousness whether or not it is recognizable as we walk down that path.

Interdependence and Maturity

I just finished reading the book I Don’t Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real. Many of his thoughts were helpful and worth reflecting on but I want to focus on something he said about maturity and connection. In detailing the way men develop depression he does a good job showing how boys are not encouraged to grow relationally and how this causes them to separate from parts of themselves that would ward off depression. One aspect he underscores is how boys are encouraged to disconnect from their families. He says, traditionally oriented therapists may actively discourage family therapy, citing the need for the boy to have “a place of his own,” in which to “work out separation.” But the true meaning of psychological “separation” is maturity, and we humans stand a better chance of maturing when we do not disconnect from one another. But what maturity truly requires is the replacement of childish forms of closeness with more adult forms of closeness, not with dislocation. As boys turn into young men, closeness not just to the mother but to both parents – indeed dependent closeness to anyone – is equated with childishness. Growing up becomes synonymous with moving out. Maturity and connection are set up as choices that exclude one another. (pg. 143)

What a painful reminder that in our culture dependent closeness to anyone – is equated with childishness. How often as parents and friends do we discourage, react against or demean dependent closeness? I realize that there is danger in being overly dependent. There are times and seasons where we are alone and have to learn how to navigate such periods with resiliency. Standing alone is part of growing to maturity. As a parent I want to help my girls be able to stay buoyant in difficulty and become spiritually mature. Like Terrance Real I believe this maturity is facilitated, not only by standing alone, but by being able to appropriately (and vulnerably) depend on others. Obviously, Christian theology underscores this. We are to depend on the Lord and His church. For the first half of my life, I foolishly worked hard to become a good independent person but later as I really began to grow in the Lord I realized what a backwards approach that was if I really wanted to mature as a Christian. It feels good (it feeds our flesh) to stand on our own and awkward to learn how to depend on others. Generally, I watch others struggle with both, wisely choosing to stand alone or wisely asking for help and/or depending on others. However, out of the two I would say the majority of people find it harder to vulnerably trust others. Therefore, I really appreciated the reminder that we often demean interdependence and I often play right into this. Dependent closeness is equated with childishness and this type of ‘childishness’ is to be encouraged. If I remember correctly Jesus encouraged us to change and become little children if we really wanted to participate in His Kingdom (Matthew 18:3).

Forgetting and Remembering

As I have read various blogs and posts this past week I quietly became troubled with the amount of people that seemed excited to forget events from 2010. In some ways I get this. There is comfort in forgetting. Paul took this comfort when he said, “No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead,” (Phil 3:13). The freedom to consciously lay some things down is a gift. There is a way the past can haunt us that is not good. I had hoped to have my book published in 2010. To remember that the book isn’t published brings some pain to the surface. It is painful to walk into a book store. Each book seems to mock my work and my dreams. I can say, “Lord I lay down my attachments to the book that hold me captive to despair. Hold for me what I shouldn’t be holding and help me to move into 2011 with some hope. ” Somewhere deep inside of us lies a hope that all things get set right in the end. This is not something we want to deny. That doesn't mean we taste or see the redemption we long for in fullness now. It is a future looking I don’t have control of this universe type of feeling. Still connection to the Lord ought to help this hope lift our countenance so that we move towards the future in such a way that we participate with Him in working all things together for good. In this context I want to forget the attachments to events that keep me locked up. I want to consciously ask the Lord to help me with whatever bitterness, resentment or despair I have attached to events from 2010 that keep me from participating with Him. I want to move with Him toward what is good. Forgetting can be part of that process.

However, I don’t think that means forgetting is always good. When the Lord told the disciples to ‘celebrate’ his death and resurrection – to do this in memory of Him (1 Corinthians 11:24) I have to believe there was some pain in that. I really can’t begin to imagine what it was like to actually walk with the Lord – to watch him suffer – to see him die and rise again and then to hear that the whole event should be celebrated. As much as we are to consciously ask the Lord to help us forget some things we also have to ask him to help us remember some things. Both remembering and forgetting is painful and we are quick to avoid pain. I spent years putting together my thoughts on marriage and did a bunch of marriage seminars along the way. Then I took three more years to write out these thoughts and get help editing. I couldn’t begin to count the amount of work I have put in that manuscript. When I think about the fate of it being in someone else’s hand I begin to feel very vulnerable and I want to forget all the work and hope wrapped up in it. I want to shut my head and heart down and stick them into the sand. I want to forget as a way to avoid vulnerability. However, as I remember the work and expectation that is in the manuscript my vulnerability turns me towards the Lord and I say, “Please help me with this. Please don’t forget. As I remember I am moved to ask You to remember.” I don’t want to forget that I have written a manuscript or the work that is behind it. I must remember those things to stay alive towards what I hope will happen in 2011. My attachments to the manuscript I have written are mixed. Flesh and spirit. Good and bad. I want to forget the connection to those things that are unholy and I want to remember what is holy. What I don’t want to do is to be directed by the avoidance of pain. I don’t forget to avoid pain or I don’t remember to avoid pain. Forgetting can help me with pain and forgetting can increase the pain I don’t want to experience in the future. Remembering can be celebrating something painful in a good way (the Lord’s death) or celebrating something painful in a bad way (my book still isn’t published). What I need most in 2011 is a deeper level of God consciousness. Perhaps we should start the year acknowledging the vulnerability that comes to the surface as another year lies ahead. “Lord, help me to forget and lay down what I need to from 2010. Bring those things to conscious memory and help me to participate with what you are doing by forgetting what I need to forget. However, help me to remember and bring into 2011 what is good even if that is painful. I want to participate with You toward good. And continually comfort me with the thought that You don’t live in time and that You hold me as I stumble forward.”

A Disgraceful Incarnation

Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly (Matthew 1:19).

How much do we overlook God’s kindness, or work or revelation because we are good people who like to bow out of shameful things quietly? When we are too driven to be good moral and religious people we often fail to follow God into more. We tend to glamorize Christmas but think about it from Joseph’s perspective. Don’t you think he believed there wasn’t any room in the inn because he had messed up? I imagine he walked away questioning why he married Mary and may have felt shame in that moment. I can’t picture him comfortably enjoying his first born son (that really wasn’t his) being birthed in a manger. His shame in that moment wasn’t because he did something wrong. It was because he was willing to follow what God called him to and the world often does not understand, accept or embrace God or his ways. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful (1 Corinthians 1:27). When I started Daymark 13 years ago, because the church I was on staff at was having financial problems and I had to go part time, I felt it was because I had messed up. If I had heard God rightly I would have been in a different position. It took me 10 years to accept that Daymark was God’s leading and that it was a good idea. I could run through most of the other major decisions in my life and show you the conflict I felt in choosing them. There were always questions and shame surrounding the decisions I have made and the paths I have followed. When God embodied himself in the form of a man he was born to a couple facing shame in a manger outside of town. In some ways it couldn’t have been more scandalous. So, my thought is this. Let’s embrace the shame we must face with more courage and hope. It is often the place God is revealing Himself and carrying out his plan. Merry Christmas!

Surprise

It can be a painful thing to dream. I remember writing an essay on patriotism in 8th grade that won a contest. It made me think, "I would love to be a writer." A year later in freshman english class I felt the same sensation again. Somewhere between sports and the awkwardness I felt at being creative I don't remember thinking about that again for about 20 years. I had gotten a masters degree in counseling and been a counselor/pastor for about three years. The dream of writing came back to be during those three years and I began to dream again but with a growing family and career and working on my doctorate it was not a reality. During the years where I couldn't get to writing my desire to write grew and I would say became somewhat of an ache. Two and a half years ago I took two weeks off to write out the marraige stuff I had been teaching for about 12 years. For two straight weeks I literally wrote for 8 hours a day. I only stopped because my hands and my back hurt too much to type any more. Five months later I took off another two weeks to refine what I wrote the first two weeks. Then I tried to attend to the writing and couldn't make the time. When Dewayne died I didn't want to write and then for months it seemed that what every extra energy I had went into trying to make room for his death. Eight months later I decided every three weeks I would try to take two days off to write. I kind of honored that decision and where I protected the time it kept me writing and then made it easier to attend to it on the weekends or at night. Last weekend I finished the last chapter. On Monday I got a call from a literary agent who would like to represent the book and help it get published (major publishers will only look at first time authors who are presented by a literary agent). Today I talked to the literary agent on the phone. I really liked him and the call was a little bit of an out of body experience. For a second I wondered whose life I was in. I think my manuscript will become a book. It will get published. How did that happen. I think there is a lot of work ahead to edit among other things. But I am overwhelmed that this happened. Still trying to grow into it. But I am very thankful and surprised.

Overbelievers

I was talking with a very good friend this morning and we were sharing some stories about our girls. He said his family recently visited a church and on the way home his seven-year old daughter commented, "it seems like they just put a lot of pressure on you to do the right thing and really don't teach you how to do it. They have a lot of overbelievers in that church." She loves the term 'overbelievers' in part because it makes her parents laugh but mostly because she intuits grace as a gift. I too now love the term 'overbeliever' and thought you might find it enjoyable. And I pray sweet my friends daughter spends her life helping overbelievers embrace the beauty of grace.