Interdependence and Maturity

I just finished reading the book I Don’t Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real. Many of his thoughts were helpful and worth reflecting on but I want to focus on something he said about maturity and connection. In detailing the way men develop depression he does a good job showing how boys are not encouraged to grow relationally and how this causes them to separate from parts of themselves that would ward off depression. One aspect he underscores is how boys are encouraged to disconnect from their families. He says, traditionally oriented therapists may actively discourage family therapy, citing the need for the boy to have “a place of his own,” in which to “work out separation.” But the true meaning of psychological “separation” is maturity, and we humans stand a better chance of maturing when we do not disconnect from one another. But what maturity truly requires is the replacement of childish forms of closeness with more adult forms of closeness, not with dislocation. As boys turn into young men, closeness not just to the mother but to both parents – indeed dependent closeness to anyone – is equated with childishness. Growing up becomes synonymous with moving out. Maturity and connection are set up as choices that exclude one another. (pg. 143)

What a painful reminder that in our culture dependent closeness to anyone – is equated with childishness. How often as parents and friends do we discourage, react against or demean dependent closeness? I realize that there is danger in being overly dependent. There are times and seasons where we are alone and have to learn how to navigate such periods with resiliency. Standing alone is part of growing to maturity. As a parent I want to help my girls be able to stay buoyant in difficulty and become spiritually mature. Like Terrance Real I believe this maturity is facilitated, not only by standing alone, but by being able to appropriately (and vulnerably) depend on others. Obviously, Christian theology underscores this. We are to depend on the Lord and His church. For the first half of my life, I foolishly worked hard to become a good independent person but later as I really began to grow in the Lord I realized what a backwards approach that was if I really wanted to mature as a Christian. It feels good (it feeds our flesh) to stand on our own and awkward to learn how to depend on others. Generally, I watch others struggle with both, wisely choosing to stand alone or wisely asking for help and/or depending on others. However, out of the two I would say the majority of people find it harder to vulnerably trust others. Therefore, I really appreciated the reminder that we often demean interdependence and I often play right into this. Dependent closeness is equated with childishness and this type of ‘childishness’ is to be encouraged. If I remember correctly Jesus encouraged us to change and become little children if we really wanted to participate in His Kingdom (Matthew 18:3).

Forgetting and Remembering

As I have read various blogs and posts this past week I quietly became troubled with the amount of people that seemed excited to forget events from 2010. In some ways I get this. There is comfort in forgetting. Paul took this comfort when he said, “No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead,” (Phil 3:13). The freedom to consciously lay some things down is a gift. There is a way the past can haunt us that is not good. I had hoped to have my book published in 2010. To remember that the book isn’t published brings some pain to the surface. It is painful to walk into a book store. Each book seems to mock my work and my dreams. I can say, “Lord I lay down my attachments to the book that hold me captive to despair. Hold for me what I shouldn’t be holding and help me to move into 2011 with some hope. ” Somewhere deep inside of us lies a hope that all things get set right in the end. This is not something we want to deny. That doesn't mean we taste or see the redemption we long for in fullness now. It is a future looking I don’t have control of this universe type of feeling. Still connection to the Lord ought to help this hope lift our countenance so that we move towards the future in such a way that we participate with Him in working all things together for good. In this context I want to forget the attachments to events that keep me locked up. I want to consciously ask the Lord to help me with whatever bitterness, resentment or despair I have attached to events from 2010 that keep me from participating with Him. I want to move with Him toward what is good. Forgetting can be part of that process.

However, I don’t think that means forgetting is always good. When the Lord told the disciples to ‘celebrate’ his death and resurrection – to do this in memory of Him (1 Corinthians 11:24) I have to believe there was some pain in that. I really can’t begin to imagine what it was like to actually walk with the Lord – to watch him suffer – to see him die and rise again and then to hear that the whole event should be celebrated. As much as we are to consciously ask the Lord to help us forget some things we also have to ask him to help us remember some things. Both remembering and forgetting is painful and we are quick to avoid pain. I spent years putting together my thoughts on marriage and did a bunch of marriage seminars along the way. Then I took three more years to write out these thoughts and get help editing. I couldn’t begin to count the amount of work I have put in that manuscript. When I think about the fate of it being in someone else’s hand I begin to feel very vulnerable and I want to forget all the work and hope wrapped up in it. I want to shut my head and heart down and stick them into the sand. I want to forget as a way to avoid vulnerability. However, as I remember the work and expectation that is in the manuscript my vulnerability turns me towards the Lord and I say, “Please help me with this. Please don’t forget. As I remember I am moved to ask You to remember.” I don’t want to forget that I have written a manuscript or the work that is behind it. I must remember those things to stay alive towards what I hope will happen in 2011. My attachments to the manuscript I have written are mixed. Flesh and spirit. Good and bad. I want to forget the connection to those things that are unholy and I want to remember what is holy. What I don’t want to do is to be directed by the avoidance of pain. I don’t forget to avoid pain or I don’t remember to avoid pain. Forgetting can help me with pain and forgetting can increase the pain I don’t want to experience in the future. Remembering can be celebrating something painful in a good way (the Lord’s death) or celebrating something painful in a bad way (my book still isn’t published). What I need most in 2011 is a deeper level of God consciousness. Perhaps we should start the year acknowledging the vulnerability that comes to the surface as another year lies ahead. “Lord, help me to forget and lay down what I need to from 2010. Bring those things to conscious memory and help me to participate with what you are doing by forgetting what I need to forget. However, help me to remember and bring into 2011 what is good even if that is painful. I want to participate with You toward good. And continually comfort me with the thought that You don’t live in time and that You hold me as I stumble forward.”

A Disgraceful Incarnation

Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly (Matthew 1:19).

How much do we overlook God’s kindness, or work or revelation because we are good people who like to bow out of shameful things quietly? When we are too driven to be good moral and religious people we often fail to follow God into more. We tend to glamorize Christmas but think about it from Joseph’s perspective. Don’t you think he believed there wasn’t any room in the inn because he had messed up? I imagine he walked away questioning why he married Mary and may have felt shame in that moment. I can’t picture him comfortably enjoying his first born son (that really wasn’t his) being birthed in a manger. His shame in that moment wasn’t because he did something wrong. It was because he was willing to follow what God called him to and the world often does not understand, accept or embrace God or his ways. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful (1 Corinthians 1:27). When I started Daymark 13 years ago, because the church I was on staff at was having financial problems and I had to go part time, I felt it was because I had messed up. If I had heard God rightly I would have been in a different position. It took me 10 years to accept that Daymark was God’s leading and that it was a good idea. I could run through most of the other major decisions in my life and show you the conflict I felt in choosing them. There were always questions and shame surrounding the decisions I have made and the paths I have followed. When God embodied himself in the form of a man he was born to a couple facing shame in a manger outside of town. In some ways it couldn’t have been more scandalous. So, my thought is this. Let’s embrace the shame we must face with more courage and hope. It is often the place God is revealing Himself and carrying out his plan. Merry Christmas!

Surprise

It can be a painful thing to dream. I remember writing an essay on patriotism in 8th grade that won a contest. It made me think, "I would love to be a writer." A year later in freshman english class I felt the same sensation again. Somewhere between sports and the awkwardness I felt at being creative I don't remember thinking about that again for about 20 years. I had gotten a masters degree in counseling and been a counselor/pastor for about three years. The dream of writing came back to be during those three years and I began to dream again but with a growing family and career and working on my doctorate it was not a reality. During the years where I couldn't get to writing my desire to write grew and I would say became somewhat of an ache. Two and a half years ago I took two weeks off to write out the marraige stuff I had been teaching for about 12 years. For two straight weeks I literally wrote for 8 hours a day. I only stopped because my hands and my back hurt too much to type any more. Five months later I took off another two weeks to refine what I wrote the first two weeks. Then I tried to attend to the writing and couldn't make the time. When Dewayne died I didn't want to write and then for months it seemed that what every extra energy I had went into trying to make room for his death. Eight months later I decided every three weeks I would try to take two days off to write. I kind of honored that decision and where I protected the time it kept me writing and then made it easier to attend to it on the weekends or at night. Last weekend I finished the last chapter. On Monday I got a call from a literary agent who would like to represent the book and help it get published (major publishers will only look at first time authors who are presented by a literary agent). Today I talked to the literary agent on the phone. I really liked him and the call was a little bit of an out of body experience. For a second I wondered whose life I was in. I think my manuscript will become a book. It will get published. How did that happen. I think there is a lot of work ahead to edit among other things. But I am overwhelmed that this happened. Still trying to grow into it. But I am very thankful and surprised.

Overbelievers

I was talking with a very good friend this morning and we were sharing some stories about our girls. He said his family recently visited a church and on the way home his seven-year old daughter commented, "it seems like they just put a lot of pressure on you to do the right thing and really don't teach you how to do it. They have a lot of overbelievers in that church." She loves the term 'overbelievers' in part because it makes her parents laugh but mostly because she intuits grace as a gift. I too now love the term 'overbeliever' and thought you might find it enjoyable. And I pray sweet my friends daughter spends her life helping overbelievers embrace the beauty of grace.

Trusting What You Can't See and Feel To Inform What You Do

I am continually struck at how much God loves faith-the mystery and paradox he asks us to keep walking in. I am regularly helping others see where they are in their journey because it feels to them like they are going in the wrong direction. So often I hear others say I seem like I am getting worse. This confusion comes because as we grow we see our sin more clearly.
For no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands for the more we know God's law the clearer it becomes we aren't obeying it (Romans 3:20). A simple example would be that 20 years ago I seemed like a good husband and that is becuase I had no clue what a good husband really looked like. 20 years later because I know what a good husband looks like its more clear I am often not one. In addition to refined sight, our hearts soften as we mature. If the gospel is growing inside of us the pain of life hits us harder. That doesn't mean it has to own us as much but it can often mean it might feel worse (or richer and more beautiful too - our senses are just refined). In any case, as we grow it may seem to us like we are acting worse and life hurts more. It can confuse us that things are getting worse. That is where we have to lean into faith - to trust what we can't see. If God is the author and finisher of our faith and we look back and can see growth, however miniscule that may be we have to trust we are still on the right path. So if it seems like your behaving badly and life is more painful you may have just walked further down the better path.

A Redemptive Path for a Husband: Personal Humility

As with several other posts this is an excerpt from the book I am working on. The last part of the book I describe paths a husband and wife can follow to unselfishly help the other to resist evil. Because of a husband's advantages in marraige (that I define earlier in the book) they have an easier time being indifferent to their wives. Because of their vulnerability wives often see kingdom values (especially in the area of relationships) more clearly. As a husband grows the humility to listen to a wife - it is an encouragement to her - she is using her giftedness to help her husband - and this gives her buoyancy which helps her resist the evil one (on the other hand when the husband doesn't have the humility to listen and learn from his wife she is more susceptible to the evil one's lies). So here is one part of one path a husband can follow to help his wife fight evil (in his heart and hers).

A husband listens to his wife’s disappointment, affirms it and helps her to articulate it for two reasons. First, he is offering compassion and using his advantages to treat her with understanding so she can find rest. As a husband helps his wife with marital discontent the deception evil has been hitting her with will begin to fall away. In addition to helping his wife find rest as a husband listens to her distress, he can learn important things about himself. Anyone who rebukes a mocker will get a smart retort. Anyone who rebukes the wicked will get hurt. So don’t bother rebuking mockers; they will only hate you. But the wise, when rebuked, will love you all the more. Teach the wise, and they will be wiser. Teach the righteous, and they will learn more. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Knowledge of the Holy One results in understanding (Proverbs 9:7-10).
I remember the first time my wife told me I rolled my eyes at her. I probably rolled my eyes at her as she said it. I had no idea I did it. If truth be told, I had no idea I was condescending until the 1,000th time she told me so. When I finally heard her say I was condescending in the weeks and months ahead I began to see that she was right. I learned more about myself and my lack of relational holiness from my wife than anyone else I have known. God loves interdependency. Husbands need wives to grow into who God calls them to be. Because of a wife’s longing she pays more attention to relationship and has insight that will help her husband.
Relational sin and relational holiness have more to do with faithfulness to the Gospel than staying within the lines and keeping the law. Because of a misuse of advantages Christian men, as leaders in church and as husbands in marriage, have missed glorious opportunities to discover a richer and more faith-filled obedience to the living God. The way men have shepherded in the church and marriage has often meant that women are silenced. It seems to me that men are often afraid of failure or afraid of rocking the boat. This often grows out of an ungodly frustration with the complexity they must wrestle with in this fallen world. Instead of passionately being willing to make mistakes and color outside the lines men tend to play it safe or disengage especially from relationship because it is so messy. This is where we need the voice and passion of women.
In observing how those outside the religious establishment can often embolden an obedience that goes beyond a checklist and into more, Carolyn Custiss James (The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules) notes that obedience is not a matter of exactness but is actually infinite. She says, “The sermon on the Mount knocked down the walls that religious living had constructed around God’s law and pointed to a way of living that goes beyond the letter of the law to the spirit. Formal religion only takes us so far – for it is both safe and doable. Love however, knows no limits, takes costly risks, and looks for ways to give more.” If they are welcomed into the conversation I believe women can uniquely advance a fervent and courageous conformity to Christ where like him our righteousness exceeds what is safe.
Carolyn Custiss James uses the example of Ruth and Boaz to illustrate this point. Ruth was a gleaner in Boaz’s field. Gleaners were allowed in the field only after both teams of hired workers finished. Ruth asked Boaz to shelve this system for her. A modern day equivalent would be like a homeless ‘dumpster diver’ asking an owner of a restaurant if he could sit in the dining room and enjoy a meal for free. James says, “Boaz’s response is as astonishing as Ruth’s request is outrageous, and this is where our strong admiration for Boaz begins. Instead of becoming defensive the lights go on and he fully embraces her suggestion. Instead of being displeased or offended, he is moved to act on her behalf. Boaz’s godliness is real, and he willingly follows’ Ruth’s lead. He actually appears driven – you might even say obsessed – to come up with ways of making her mission possible. In an astonishing outpouring of grace, Boaz exceeds the young Moabitess’ request.”
James suggests that Ruth’s asking and Boaz’s supporting grow out of their cooperation with God’s leadership. They worked together to advance God’s purposes. Ruth was moved to more because of relationship. She was zealous in her pursuit to provide because she cared about her mother-in-law. Boaz responds to this and God advanced his kingdom through them.
I stress this point because marriage is the foundation for men and women working together in the church. It is where we practice, demonstrate and learn about relationship between the sexes. As husbands grow the humility to listen to their wives we will all learn and grow a deeper holiness. If husbands begin to honor the voices of their wives I believe the church will come alive with a godliness that is much more faithful, life-giving and passionate than we experience today. Again, listen to the words of Carolyn Custiss James, “Walking with God takes us into a sea of possibilities that stretch our capacity for sacrifice and our imagination for obedience, reminding us there’s always more to following God than we think.” I can’t imagine a better way to go after that than encouraging husbands to learn from their wives so the church exemplifies better the way men and women can work together to advance the Gospel.