A Disgraceful Incarnation

Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly (Matthew 1:19).

How much do we overlook God’s kindness, or work or revelation because we are good people who like to bow out of shameful things quietly? When we are too driven to be good moral and religious people we often fail to follow God into more. We tend to glamorize Christmas but think about it from Joseph’s perspective. Don’t you think he believed there wasn’t any room in the inn because he had messed up? I imagine he walked away questioning why he married Mary and may have felt shame in that moment. I can’t picture him comfortably enjoying his first born son (that really wasn’t his) being birthed in a manger. His shame in that moment wasn’t because he did something wrong. It was because he was willing to follow what God called him to and the world often does not understand, accept or embrace God or his ways. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful (1 Corinthians 1:27). When I started Daymark 13 years ago, because the church I was on staff at was having financial problems and I had to go part time, I felt it was because I had messed up. If I had heard God rightly I would have been in a different position. It took me 10 years to accept that Daymark was God’s leading and that it was a good idea. I could run through most of the other major decisions in my life and show you the conflict I felt in choosing them. There were always questions and shame surrounding the decisions I have made and the paths I have followed. When God embodied himself in the form of a man he was born to a couple facing shame in a manger outside of town. In some ways it couldn’t have been more scandalous. So, my thought is this. Let’s embrace the shame we must face with more courage and hope. It is often the place God is revealing Himself and carrying out his plan. Merry Christmas!

Surprise

It can be a painful thing to dream. I remember writing an essay on patriotism in 8th grade that won a contest. It made me think, "I would love to be a writer." A year later in freshman english class I felt the same sensation again. Somewhere between sports and the awkwardness I felt at being creative I don't remember thinking about that again for about 20 years. I had gotten a masters degree in counseling and been a counselor/pastor for about three years. The dream of writing came back to be during those three years and I began to dream again but with a growing family and career and working on my doctorate it was not a reality. During the years where I couldn't get to writing my desire to write grew and I would say became somewhat of an ache. Two and a half years ago I took two weeks off to write out the marraige stuff I had been teaching for about 12 years. For two straight weeks I literally wrote for 8 hours a day. I only stopped because my hands and my back hurt too much to type any more. Five months later I took off another two weeks to refine what I wrote the first two weeks. Then I tried to attend to the writing and couldn't make the time. When Dewayne died I didn't want to write and then for months it seemed that what every extra energy I had went into trying to make room for his death. Eight months later I decided every three weeks I would try to take two days off to write. I kind of honored that decision and where I protected the time it kept me writing and then made it easier to attend to it on the weekends or at night. Last weekend I finished the last chapter. On Monday I got a call from a literary agent who would like to represent the book and help it get published (major publishers will only look at first time authors who are presented by a literary agent). Today I talked to the literary agent on the phone. I really liked him and the call was a little bit of an out of body experience. For a second I wondered whose life I was in. I think my manuscript will become a book. It will get published. How did that happen. I think there is a lot of work ahead to edit among other things. But I am overwhelmed that this happened. Still trying to grow into it. But I am very thankful and surprised.

Overbelievers

I was talking with a very good friend this morning and we were sharing some stories about our girls. He said his family recently visited a church and on the way home his seven-year old daughter commented, "it seems like they just put a lot of pressure on you to do the right thing and really don't teach you how to do it. They have a lot of overbelievers in that church." She loves the term 'overbelievers' in part because it makes her parents laugh but mostly because she intuits grace as a gift. I too now love the term 'overbeliever' and thought you might find it enjoyable. And I pray sweet my friends daughter spends her life helping overbelievers embrace the beauty of grace.

Trusting What You Can't See and Feel To Inform What You Do

I am continually struck at how much God loves faith-the mystery and paradox he asks us to keep walking in. I am regularly helping others see where they are in their journey because it feels to them like they are going in the wrong direction. So often I hear others say I seem like I am getting worse. This confusion comes because as we grow we see our sin more clearly.
For no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands for the more we know God's law the clearer it becomes we aren't obeying it (Romans 3:20). A simple example would be that 20 years ago I seemed like a good husband and that is becuase I had no clue what a good husband really looked like. 20 years later because I know what a good husband looks like its more clear I am often not one. In addition to refined sight, our hearts soften as we mature. If the gospel is growing inside of us the pain of life hits us harder. That doesn't mean it has to own us as much but it can often mean it might feel worse (or richer and more beautiful too - our senses are just refined). In any case, as we grow it may seem to us like we are acting worse and life hurts more. It can confuse us that things are getting worse. That is where we have to lean into faith - to trust what we can't see. If God is the author and finisher of our faith and we look back and can see growth, however miniscule that may be we have to trust we are still on the right path. So if it seems like your behaving badly and life is more painful you may have just walked further down the better path.

A Redemptive Path for a Husband: Personal Humility

As with several other posts this is an excerpt from the book I am working on. The last part of the book I describe paths a husband and wife can follow to unselfishly help the other to resist evil. Because of a husband's advantages in marraige (that I define earlier in the book) they have an easier time being indifferent to their wives. Because of their vulnerability wives often see kingdom values (especially in the area of relationships) more clearly. As a husband grows the humility to listen to a wife - it is an encouragement to her - she is using her giftedness to help her husband - and this gives her buoyancy which helps her resist the evil one (on the other hand when the husband doesn't have the humility to listen and learn from his wife she is more susceptible to the evil one's lies). So here is one part of one path a husband can follow to help his wife fight evil (in his heart and hers).

A husband listens to his wife’s disappointment, affirms it and helps her to articulate it for two reasons. First, he is offering compassion and using his advantages to treat her with understanding so she can find rest. As a husband helps his wife with marital discontent the deception evil has been hitting her with will begin to fall away. In addition to helping his wife find rest as a husband listens to her distress, he can learn important things about himself. Anyone who rebukes a mocker will get a smart retort. Anyone who rebukes the wicked will get hurt. So don’t bother rebuking mockers; they will only hate you. But the wise, when rebuked, will love you all the more. Teach the wise, and they will be wiser. Teach the righteous, and they will learn more. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Knowledge of the Holy One results in understanding (Proverbs 9:7-10).
I remember the first time my wife told me I rolled my eyes at her. I probably rolled my eyes at her as she said it. I had no idea I did it. If truth be told, I had no idea I was condescending until the 1,000th time she told me so. When I finally heard her say I was condescending in the weeks and months ahead I began to see that she was right. I learned more about myself and my lack of relational holiness from my wife than anyone else I have known. God loves interdependency. Husbands need wives to grow into who God calls them to be. Because of a wife’s longing she pays more attention to relationship and has insight that will help her husband.
Relational sin and relational holiness have more to do with faithfulness to the Gospel than staying within the lines and keeping the law. Because of a misuse of advantages Christian men, as leaders in church and as husbands in marriage, have missed glorious opportunities to discover a richer and more faith-filled obedience to the living God. The way men have shepherded in the church and marriage has often meant that women are silenced. It seems to me that men are often afraid of failure or afraid of rocking the boat. This often grows out of an ungodly frustration with the complexity they must wrestle with in this fallen world. Instead of passionately being willing to make mistakes and color outside the lines men tend to play it safe or disengage especially from relationship because it is so messy. This is where we need the voice and passion of women.
In observing how those outside the religious establishment can often embolden an obedience that goes beyond a checklist and into more, Carolyn Custiss James (The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules) notes that obedience is not a matter of exactness but is actually infinite. She says, “The sermon on the Mount knocked down the walls that religious living had constructed around God’s law and pointed to a way of living that goes beyond the letter of the law to the spirit. Formal religion only takes us so far – for it is both safe and doable. Love however, knows no limits, takes costly risks, and looks for ways to give more.” If they are welcomed into the conversation I believe women can uniquely advance a fervent and courageous conformity to Christ where like him our righteousness exceeds what is safe.
Carolyn Custiss James uses the example of Ruth and Boaz to illustrate this point. Ruth was a gleaner in Boaz’s field. Gleaners were allowed in the field only after both teams of hired workers finished. Ruth asked Boaz to shelve this system for her. A modern day equivalent would be like a homeless ‘dumpster diver’ asking an owner of a restaurant if he could sit in the dining room and enjoy a meal for free. James says, “Boaz’s response is as astonishing as Ruth’s request is outrageous, and this is where our strong admiration for Boaz begins. Instead of becoming defensive the lights go on and he fully embraces her suggestion. Instead of being displeased or offended, he is moved to act on her behalf. Boaz’s godliness is real, and he willingly follows’ Ruth’s lead. He actually appears driven – you might even say obsessed – to come up with ways of making her mission possible. In an astonishing outpouring of grace, Boaz exceeds the young Moabitess’ request.”
James suggests that Ruth’s asking and Boaz’s supporting grow out of their cooperation with God’s leadership. They worked together to advance God’s purposes. Ruth was moved to more because of relationship. She was zealous in her pursuit to provide because she cared about her mother-in-law. Boaz responds to this and God advanced his kingdom through them.
I stress this point because marriage is the foundation for men and women working together in the church. It is where we practice, demonstrate and learn about relationship between the sexes. As husbands grow the humility to listen to their wives we will all learn and grow a deeper holiness. If husbands begin to honor the voices of their wives I believe the church will come alive with a godliness that is much more faithful, life-giving and passionate than we experience today. Again, listen to the words of Carolyn Custiss James, “Walking with God takes us into a sea of possibilities that stretch our capacity for sacrifice and our imagination for obedience, reminding us there’s always more to following God than we think.” I can’t imagine a better way to go after that than encouraging husbands to learn from their wives so the church exemplifies better the way men and women can work together to advance the Gospel.

Silencing Martial Guilt

Because I have been on a little bit or a roll lately with the blog I thought I would post another entry. This is an excerpt from the book I am working on. It comes from the chapter called The Redemptive Pathway for a Husband: Interpsonal Humility. I define Interpersonal Humility as the ability to let someone help you with your inadequacies. In this chapter I talk about the 3 most common internal problems a husband deals with: guilt, contempt and frustration. As he lets the Lord help him with these he becomes a better husband. A husband often doesn't learn how to relate better to his wife by focusing on her but instead grows in his ability to relate with his wife as he grows in his relationship with the Lord.

It is not easy to keep missing the mark as a husband. It is genuinely exasperating for any husband to care about his wife when he is confronting daily impediments. This often creates a determination in a husband to get it right or a resolve to stop trying. Either way the path to meaningful freedom for a husband lies on the other side of condemning guilt.
Guilt evolves from any fracture in relationship we experience where there is personal culpability. Because a husband will often be personally liable for the break in relationship with his wife he will have an ongoing sense of guilt. The only way a husband cannot experience guilt in marriage is to harden to its existence. Prior to marriage most men have not stuck to a relationship of choice where the transgressions between the parties began to pile up. Friendships are the only relationship of choice that men experience prior to marriage and they are not as close or as meaningful as marriage and when they become tough men usually distance themselves or find new friends. Men have little experience prior to marriage in dealing with guilt in an ongoing relationship.
Add into the mix that the evil one will be quick to beat the husband up with reminders that his lack of regular success is sealing a fate of unrelenting disappointment from his wife. Evil regularly pelted me with an arrogant accusation such as, “Laughter is the most important aspect of martial happiness,” because that was where I was weakest. I was good at talking about meaningful things but had a much harder time laughing as things got difficult. Every couple under the sun who laughed well became a reminder I was a failure as a husband. This fueled a desire to run from my guilt not look for help with it.
In addition, it was so easy to fall into my fleshly groove. I remember talking about the book on sex my wife and I both read before we were married. As I discussed what I learned my wife said something like, “I don’t think sex is supposed to happen according to a manual.” She was exposing my tendency to fall right into my fleshly groove. Often something opposite of my fleshly groove like a spontaneous outing would be the thing that would encourage my wife but that rarely appeared as an option in my mind. My continued acquiescence to my fleshly groove and to arrogant accusations seemed to mock my longing for liberty from my guilt.
All along I knew that Christ’s forgiveness mattered but I had a hard time receiving it personally. I might hear Christ saying, “I forgive you and I am with you,” but my wife continued hurting, being irritated or afraid by my behavior in such a way that Christ’s forgiveness didn’t seem to mean that much. I was often repenting over my sins or admitting my weaknesses but what was changing were thoughts and attitudes on the inside that were not directly demonstrated or noticed in the relationship. In addition, my change was progressive so I was still hurting Dawn at the same time that I was growing into more. Since Dawn did not necessarily see or taste the fruit of my repentance she did not believe it was really happening.
This is where the husband’s advantages come into play. He is designed to be able to lift his countenance towards God before his wife. The extra ‘energy’ of his advantages is to help him hear God say, “Well done. You are changing and growing. Do not despise the day of small beginnings,” (Zech 4:10) before his wife can hear it. I had to start believing that I heard something my wife couldn’t hear. I kind of heard it like this, “I know you care about Dawn. She does not have to affirm the genuineness of your repentance for it to be true. Trust me. As you learn to really hear and believe I am saying ‘well done’ and learn to rest in it you will gain the strength to communicate grace to your wife and wait with her so she too can see your change more clearly.”
I had to start accepting and believing what the Holy Spirit was saying in my heart instead of being so owned by what my wife was often focusing on. When Paul said to, “Put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness,” I had no idea how much my heart would be attacked through my wife’s disappointment and how much courage it would take to believe that Jesus death was bigger than her discontentment.
In the flesh evil wants a man to get his significance and validation of his masculinity from his wife. Many men see the path to masculinity supported by a wife who cheers louder and louder instead of really playing the game and learning to listen to the coach. A man wants a woman to create a shortcut for him on the path of Godly masculinity. I have done enough marital counseling to watch this theme play out again and again. I often help the husband get moving into repentance and he starts changing. As he does he wants the wife to affirm it. It is very rare that a wife has the depth of mercy to affirm this change early in the process to her husband. She may feel and see some of the change but to say it out loud to him involves a level of spiritual maturity few wives posses. In the midst of actually doing better and changing the husband must learn to look beyond his wife.
If a husband begins to step into interpersonal humility and accept Christ’s ministry to him he begins to feel accepted and is less owned by his limitations. The purpose of a husband’s insufficiency is to bring him into deeper fellowship with Jesus. It is to get him to rely on God’s grace and not his performance. As he begins to hear Jesus say, “Husband you will never get it right. I did that so you could see me. As you see me, as you start trusting my grace in such a way that your wife’s discontent is not so debilitating, than you are on the way to freedom.” The husband now begins to hear, “Well done!” more regularly in a way that surprises him.
Most husbands and wives believe that if a husband would pay more attention to his wife and work at relating to her that the marriage will get better. That seems right but is actually very foolish. That will only increase the distance between the husband and wife. Instead, a husband must endure through difficulty long enough for his self-reliant dependence on performance to be dislodged and be transformed into a dependence on God’s care for him. God’s acceptance of him, his love for him is a much surer anchor than his performance or his wife’s validation. Learning to hear well done from the Lord more regularly is what will help a husband to pay better attention to his wife and relate to her with more kindness.

Self Discipline vs. Self Control

“Don’t handle! Don’t taste! Don’t touch!”? Such rules are mere human teachings about things that deteriorate as we use them. These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self-denial, and severe bodily discipline. But they provide no help in conquering a person’s evil desires. Colossians 2:21-23

Self-discipline seems like such a good idea. I wish we were all able to genuinely produce whatever type of change we wanted to see in ourselves. I was recently asked what the difference between self-discipline and self-control was. I said self-discipline is pushing ourselves or putting pressure on ourselves to change. This pressure is often maintained through goals or rules. The emphasis is generally on working and doing as the means to change. If we change as a result of self-discipline we feel proud of what we have accomplished. This type of pride is busy and noisy and the opposite of the gratefulness and awe the Lord wants to grow in us. Self-control, on the other hand is a fruit of the spirit. It is something God does in and for us. The way we grow self-control is to admit we lack it, long for it to change and wait for God to work in us. Self-control grows by admitting, longing and waiting. The 'work' we do in this way of changing is being honest about our failures and limitations, allowing ourselves to feel pain as we long for more and standing up to the condemnation from evil that says God will never show up for us. I believe that 'work' is actually harder than doing something. We are often fooled that activity and self-inflicted pressure leads to change more than truth, desire and relationship. In fact, in Christian circles we often think desire is bad or gets us in to trouble. However, it says "Blessed are those who hunger or thirst for righteousness for they will be filled" (Matt 5:6).
In a more 'Gospel centered' process of change we may use a 'means of grace'. There are many examples of a means of grace. We might not have dessert in the home to help with self-indulgence or use Covenant Eyes to help with lust, or have a friend we talk to about our tendency to gossip. We then pray and wait for the change to happen because the absence of dessert or the exposure of what we are doing through Covenant Eyes or the honesty of a God relationship might help us to say no to indulgence, lust or gossip but that doesn't mean we have actually changed. The freedom to genuinely say no comes not from removing the obstacle but is something God does in us. Perhaps you have heard the term 'a dry drunk.' This is someone who has stopped drinking but underlying problems that contributed to the drinking have not changed. Removing the alcohol and being part of a group that helps you to say no is a means to grace. It helps you do what you want to do but it doesn't mean you have changed. Alcohol might be the particular idol and it’s good for the idol to be removed but it doesn't mean the false worship has been replaced with genuine worship. That takes time. So in any case I think we are quieter when we aim for inner change through truth, desire and relationship with the living God and employ a means of grace as necessary. Devotion, pious self-denial and severe bodily discipline are not ways to genuinely experience life giving and God-breathed change. So as a reminder...
Self-discpline we work, push and fret
Self-control we admit, long and wait